Negligent blogger returns to cyberspace

I know. It's been awhile. I have the semi-excuse of the broken keyboard, but truth be told, I have a work computer and Michael's computer if I really wanted to blog. Also, I can't find my camera cord, so I can't post pictures. Which is irritating me. I know it's been missing for at least two months... but where could I have put it? I've turned the house upside down, but no luck. In any case, life here continues in it's usual busy, generally good way. It all feels more routine this year, and yet I'm busier than ever with Junior class sponsorship (ugh) and Business Math. We're starting to look for jobs in Nashville for after this school year. I'm anxious to move home, and unsure that God will allow me to do that.

Some other things that have happened lately: We went to Louisville and Nashville for Thanksgiving break. I helped Michael's mom do some wedding planning, (she's getting married at the end of March), and I was with my sister when she found "the dress", (she's getting married at the end of May).

We went and bought a Christmas tree at the tree farm down the road. I decorated it and am feeling especially jolly this week. I love Christmas ever so much. Strange, for a girl who hates winter so much. Maybe it's because Christmas makes winter seem more bearable.

I've been off birth-control for a few months now and feel like maybe my depression/anxiety/sluggishness is lifting. What if that were one of the big contributing factors all along and I never knew it? I've been on birth control since shortly before I started college because of the ovarian cysts... which is right around the time I started having serious problems. I'm trying not to think about those seven years of struggles, and yet hope that it could be true, so that it would maybe ease the struggle. And no, I'm not pregnant. But yes, someone asked me again last weekend at church. That was pure joy.

This year for Christmas, my family is going to Gatlinburg. This will be the first Christmas without Grandma, and my aunt and mom were finding it a little too difficult to try to do normal Christmas without her. We're very glad to have something to look forward to this year (Christa's wedding) instead of more death, like last year.

And lastly, for this post, I'm reading The Shack right now and I would like to recommend it to all of you. I'm finding it very mind-opening and hopeful. I'll try to be a better blog friend.

I wanna go back to Union again...

Here I sit in the UC microlab, and everything seems so familiar, and yet I don't know anyone. That's the weird part. Like a parallel universe. You go back to your house after a day of work and other people are living there, with your furniture and pets. Eating your food. And you can't come in.

We brought 25 students here for October homeleave to check out the school. Hopefully the good ones will love it and come here and help make Union the awesome place it is.

We had a long day yesterday, we left the school at 9:00 am, drove to Philadelphia, flew to Minneapolis, flew to Omaha, waited for over an hour to be picked up, and arrived at Union around 9:00 pm. And we lost an hour on the way.

Life has been crazy busy, but mostly good. This week, however, after cleaning my keyboard, I realized I had broken it. It now types "aq" when I type a or q. And "sw" when I type s or w. And so on, down the keyboard, but only for the top two lines of letters. Also, the shift key doesn't work for those letters. The apple guy was very nice, but told me it will cost $300 to fix it, since it isn't covered by applecare, because I broke it myself. So that's discouraging.

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been sick for about a month and that has kept me in bed as much of the time as I can, what with work and responsibilities. Now I've mostly lost my voice. But I don't feel too bad, so I guess that's improvement.

So that's a peak into our lives right now. We'll be in Lincoln till Sunday at 5 am when we start the treck back to PA. I don't know why we do this to ourselves... And oh yeah, Michael will not be the camp director at Laurel Lake this coming summer. I'm happy about that. For reals. Peace out.

This might be TMI

I spent part of Monday morning throwing up. For no apparent reason. No flu, no food in my belly (I mostly threw up the apple juice that I drank when I woke up). That, combined with another odd symptom or two, which I will not list here because they are too private, had me convinced for a couple of hours that I would soon be in for mommyhood. I counted back to when I went off my birth control shot. Only about a month. And now I'm on the patch. Surely I'm not that fertile, right? After consulting some internet chat rooms about the effects of going off the Depo shot and then consulting my home pregnancy test, I am not pregnant. But that was a scary couple of hours. Thank goodness for the internet to ease my fears. Apparently the effects of going off Depo can be pretty strong, although I had no such symptoms last time I went off. Then again, I was on it much longer this time.

Anyway, Tuesday was fun. Students and staff members assume that if I'm sick or have a doctor's appointment that I'm pregnant. And they feel free to ask me. I was glad that I could laugh it off. At least for now.

School is still going well. I feel much more energized and happy and just in my comfort zone than I did last year. It almost makes me wish that we weren't wanting to leave, if it just gets better every year. I'm busier, with the extra class and supervision, but I also feel more connected to the students and more fulfilled. So all around goodness. I do miss my husband, but I guess I'll see him at the end of May. And maybe it will be a little better after the Democratic National Convention is over.

Things done

I've been feeling amazingly uninspired to post on my blog. You might have noticed. Or maybe no one checks this anymore. In any case, maybe in many years I'll look back at this and remember what my life was like at this point in my life... So here goes.

Nothing all that exciting, actually, we:

Michael turned 25. I love him more all the time. (Especially when school is out and we can spend time together.) He's such a blessing to me in so many ways. If you don't love him already you should get to know him better. It's worth it, I promise.

Graduated a class of seniors. Some really great kids that I will definitely miss having around.

I donated plasma twice. The second time, after I was done, I blacked out and vomited everywhere. It'll probably be awhile before I donate again.

I bought almost $400 worth of books. For the library. But still, it was quite a thrill. Now to get all those books cataloged...

Got my office quite cleaned out. As much as possible for a pack rat like me, anyway. Next step: painting it something other than this awful plummy mauve color. I'm thinking green.

In the last three weeks three people have asked me if I'm pregnant. Unless they know something that I don't, I'm not. What compels people to ask this? I've been trying not to feel fat about it. Haven't they ever listened to Brian Regan?

We made a quick trip to our parents' homes. While in Nashville we went house shopping. Found three houses that we like. Then pretty much decided that we'll wait until next year to buy. But at least we discovered that there are houses out there in our price range that we like. Fabulous. I also got to sing with the praise team at church while I was in Nashville, and that was a lot of fun. It's been a long time since I've done that. We helped decorate for Leslie's brother to propose to his longtime girlfriend. That was fun.

Now we're back home and I'm trying to get some work done before we leave for Europe in a week and a half. (!!!!) I'm really excited, but also nervous, partly because I've been sick for almost a month and I want it to go away before I leave, but I don't have a doctor to go see. And also, I'm hoping that the dollar will take a giant leap forward while we're gone. You know, so we can afford to eat while we're there. Crazy, I know.

We have some friends and their three big dogs staying with us while they try to figure out what to do next. So our house is a little, ummm... extra cozy. (?)

Camp meeting starts here tomorrow. I don't think I'm prepared for the invasion. Only one way to find out.

And that's all I can think of for now.

The end.

Supercalifabulous

My siblings have been visiting in the last week. Kirk came and went and came again and went again. Christa came and stayed for awhile and then went. We had a good time together. It's interesting how those sibling bonds stick even when you don't see each other very often. It's so easy to be together and feels so natural and we easily slip back into our childhood roles, good or bad. Hopefully, we don't slip all the way back.

We made the journey to Hawk Mountain, which is the first sanctuary made for predatory birds. One can see many birds there in the fall because of migratory patterns, and before it was made into a sanctuary, 3,000-5,000 birds were killed in the area every year. One book called it one of the top 50 places to go bird watching before you die. And since we come from a family of birders, we went. We saw some vultures, but no other birds of prey. Apparently September to early December is the best time to come. However, we did get to see the River of Rocks, which is basically what it sounds like. In some ice age or another, a glacier moved down the valley, and left in its wake a river formation of rocks. We could see it from probably a mile above. It was quite impressive. Then we hiked down to a boulder field which was pretty cool also.

I made fruit soup and black bean soup and Christa and I made crepes. So we ate well, even without a mother to make the food for us. Kirk left on Sunday, and Christa and I went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. It was amazing. We both loved it. Of course, we grew up on the movie, so the similar parts were enjoyable, but they also added new songs and scenes from the books that were great too. They developed the Mrs. Banks character nicely and Bert was great. There were a few parts that we wished they had included from the movie, but they were small and definitely not necessary. And they really went all out, the set and costumes were fantastic, the singing-fabulous, the dancing was beyond my words. Mary actually lost a shoe into the audience at one point. Mary flew and Bert danced on the ceiling. So I highly recommend it. Of the seven shows I've seen, it was definitely one of the biggest, most colorful and amazing. Probably this one and Wicked were the most amazing.



So now back to the grind stone. I am starting to believe that spring will come. And trying to accept that it will probably still snow again. And that I'll probably live here for at least one more year. Sometimes I don't understand why God puts me in a place where it's so cold and so far from family and friends, things that make it more difficult to maintain emotional stability. But I hope and want to believe that God has a reason for it. Maybe it's the thorn in my side. It's a fight that I may never win, my struggle, my cross to bear. I don't want to believe that I may never be well on my own, but there's a lesson in that too. Learning to depend wholly on God, leaning on others and learning to ask for the help I need. I hate that.

Pounce is getting spayed today. I hope she doesn't hate me when she comes back. I want her to still be my happy little cat.

Title:

I don't feel like blogging. But I feel like I should. So here's the update: I'm still feeling emotionally a lot better. Which if great. Still, I'm ready for spring. We have about six inches of snow today. Which, if you know me at all, is not a good thing to my way of thinking. Although it does heighten the chance of the daffodils I planted two weeks ago having a chance to bloom.

I'm a little sick today. Sore throat, headache, congestion... A lot of the kids at school have been sick, so I've just been waiting for it to hit me. I had hoped that I would escape, but it doesn't look that way. I slept through work this morning, but made it for the afternoon.

Our principal is leaving. This makes us sad and apprehensive about the future.

We bought our tickets to London and from Rome. We scheduled our hotel for a week in Italy. So we're officially going to Europe this summer, barring any unhappy circumstances. I think with all the deaths in my family lately I just feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I don't make any long-term plans without thinking about the possibility of having to break them for a funeral. Hence travel insurance.

And spring break begins in a week and a half... I can make it that long. I believe.

What the...

So in the last few days I've been attacked by ridiculous back pain. I'm accustomed to back pain. It comes and goes. Actually, usually it comes and stays. But Thursday morning I woke up and I could barely move it hurt so bad. I used my electric heating pad pretty much all day, took a hot shower, mostly aimed at the bad spot, and had enough relief that I could sleep fairly well that night.

Friday and Saturday I was constantly aware of where the pain was, but it was much diminished from what it had been. Then, Saturday night at Target (which is a happy place for me), it struck with a vengeance. I got home and put on the heating pad, tried many different positions (feet in the air for less pressure on my spine, etc.), took a hot bath, none of which worked. Some of those positions proved to be very painful. So painful that it hurt to breathe. So now I wonder if I somehow broke a rib back there without knowing it. Or maybe there's a tumor growing there. Sleeping last night was tricky. Frequently waking up because of the pain, slowly and carefully changing positions to get back to sleep.

I'm up again, the pain isn't quite as bad as last night. Still using that heating pad. Wondering if I should get x-rays or a cat scan or something. Because this is just not normal. What in the world?

Maybe after I write the post I'll come up with a title.

This week has been good. Not superdy-duper awesome good. But good. I haven't had a really bad day yet. Some tiredness. Apparently, coming off of 50 mgs gives me more energy, but also takes away my ability to sleep for long periods of time. But it is nice to have energy. Really nice. I'm almost caught up on my grading. (!) And I don't want to go to bed before I get home from work.

So, on Tuesday, in class one of my students said, "You're in a good mood today, aren't you, Mrs. Shofner?" And I said (a little surprised) "Yeah, I guess I am." I feel bad that my students had to suffer with me through most of this year. Hopefully things will be better for all of us from here on out.

Also, hurrah for Super Tuesday! McCain did well, and if I had to vote for a Republican, he would be one of a very short list that I would feel semi-okay about. And Obama proved that he is a viable candidate. And many more Democrats voted than Republicans, over all. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside with the hope that our country will be different soon. I hope not to be terribly disappointed.

"What is honored in a country will be cultivated there." - Plato (meat, beer, entertainment and war?)

While I'm dreaming of moving south, we're planning on staying here for at least one more year. We like the school. Even if Pennsylvania itself makes me die inside. And I like my job most of the time, which cannot be said of all jobs I've had. Notably one that I had in Kentucky. Yeah.

My mother-in-law is coming to visit in a week. I'm trying not to be stressed.

I need to take my animals to the vet.

I planted some daffodil bulbs yesterday. I didn't have energy to do so in the fall when I should have. So I hope that they'll bloom, despite my negligence.

I got up to level 51 on freerice the other day. This was surprising, because previously there were only 50 levels. Now, apparently there are 55. I haven't gotten past 51 yet.

I think I'm getting carpel tunnel from playing too many computer games. This started over homeleave. Maybe I should get a life.

Out of the blue

Inexplicably, yesterday I woke up and felt good. I woke with thoughts of what I could do. So I got up and went for a two and a half mile walk with Shelby. Shelby could barely keep up near the end. Then I did a load of laundry. Then took a shower. Then I unpacked clothes that have been laying on the futon in the living room for a month. Then I put away clothes in my bedroom that had been around longer than that. Then I cleared off the kitchen counter and washed it. Then I vacuumed the floors and cleaned up a big potted plant disaster made by Pounce. Then I dusted. Then I made a dip for the Superbowl party I was to attend. Then I did some grocery shopping. Then I watched and enjoyed the Superbowl. If this sounds like a normal day to you, then a little part of me hates you. Because this was more than I have dreamed of accomplishing in the last several months. Some days taking a shower is a chore and so it doesn't get done. I've lost ten pounds because of my lack of appetite and my lack of energy to get up and make anything edible. I can't remember the last time I've felt so happy. For no apparent reason. Also, I didn't need a nap.

On my walk I prayed that spring would come soon. (Hurrah for global warming, at least where I live.)

Today I'm tired and I have a sty in my eye. But I didn't dread coming to work this morning. And I have hope that I will feel happy again. That was gone for awhile, folks. Just a couple of weeks ago I was telling my step-dad that I was having to deal with the idea that I may never be happy again. And to have one day of happiness was like the sun breaking through the clouds of a hurricane.

I think at least part of it was lowering my medication-I'm down to 30 mgs. The fatigue caused by the 50 mgs was as bad as depression. Now I know that not every day will be good, and I can't let myself expect that, but I can hope that some days will be good. And one might just hit me out of the blue.

"You walk in a room, you look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself, it's been awhile since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope." -Sara Groves

Random

No miraculous mood change yet. When I wake up in the morning I use my light and I feel like I have more energy afterward, but I don't feel particularly happy. I'm not feeling the deep sadness of before either. So I'm just kind of minorly depressed. Which I guess is better.

I got more feedback from my students' surveys. And I felt really good about it. I'm starting to think maybe I should be a teacher. But right now I'm just doing this part time-two classes. I can't imagine teaching full-time. So I guess I still don't know what to do with my life.

I caught Pounce halfway up the Christmas tree the other day. Now we have to watch out for that.

Two weeks from tomorrow Christmas vacation begins. That's a little hard to believe. I have no idea how I've gotten halfway through this school year. And second semester always flies by, so I'm practically done with this year. We're going to Florida for Christmas. Maybe the warmer weather and time with family will do the trick.

It keeps snowing here. It's not accumulating. Probably because of the wind. I guess all the snow we had here is probably down in Virginia by now.

I've gotten up to level 48 on freerice. And I've donated more than 80,00 grains of rice.

And that's about it.

Pounce and more

For your viewing enjoyment: more pictures of Pounce. And what's going on in our lives? I can't sleep. I've had a sore throat and a wisdom tooth that is gnawing into my cheek. Which is pretty painful, as you may imagine. The hole in my cheek is kind of gross and impressive. But when I lay on my left side I wake up from the pain of my cheek hole being pushed into my wisdom tooth. I talked to a dentist I know and he's going to give me something to cauterize (sounds scary) the "wound." He said I don't have to have the tooth pulled right now. Which is what I've been worried about. Because I don't have time to have it pulled right now.

Yesterday we had Fall Festival here. I had a good time. I especially enjoyed hearing nice things about my husband. Two parents came up to Michael and told him that their children love his classes and talk about him and their classes. I beamed. It made Michael feel good too. I keep telling him that he's a good teacher and he should just stick it out for awhile. It's good to have reassurement from parents, though, and we don't get that a lot at boarding school. Really, it's good to get reassurement from anyone. Speaking of teaching, I have an administrator coming to observe my class tomorrow. That's stressful. Then sometime I'll have an evaluation. I guess if they tell me I'm a terrible teacher I can know that this is not the career that I got my degree for, and I'll move on to something else and they can just find a different teacher. For two classes. I know people are just falling over themselves to get this job. (cough, cough) Obviously, since they hired me out of desperation. Suckers.

Also, at the end of this week is Parent Weekend. Included in the fun and games are a parent/teacher forum where all the parents and teachers get together and the parents can ask any questions they like to anyone, and parent/teacher conferences. I learned last year that parent/teacher conferences weren't as bad as I feared. I'm hoping that my observation holds true for this year. So far, I only have two parents signed up to talk to me. That would be nice, but I'm sure it won't go down that way.

So that's some of the anxiety that I'm dealing with right now. I'm ready for this week to be over. Actually, I'd like to fast forward to exactly a week from now, when, hopefully, I'll be on my way to Nashville from Louisville to celebrate my sister's birthday. Sigh.



See, Michael's still around.



Shelby is starting to get irritated by Pounce. Pounce pounces on Shelby, especially her tail. Shelby doesn't like this much. Still, they have some sweet moments.



Just an autumnal view.



She's very playful.



I tricked her into climbing in there for a treat and then closed her in, turned the carton right side up, then released her. She didn't like it much, but it made for a cute picture. I put SoftClaws on her so that she can't scratch me or the furniture anymore. A good alternative to declawing. At first she fell alot when trying to jump onto things she used to be able to claw her way up. It was pretty funny. I hope you don't all think I'm a horrible person after this last paragraph. You've gotta take your laughs where you can get them. In case you're worried, I'm still her favorite person, so I must not be too mean.

Not much to tell

Most of last week was grey and/or rainy. Saturday it started rainy but the sun came out and ever since it's been partly sunny but getting chillier. We had our first frost last night. It was cold walking to work this morning.

I had my first session with a new counselor and I liked her. She seemed to get what's going on in my head and had some insights that hadn't occurred to me yet.

I'm going to try to get in to see a new doctor this week. I've decided that I need to get on antidepressants before winter comes because it's already too hard. And it's not lifting.

Three weeks until Thanksgiving break. Seven and a half weeks until Christmas break. Fortunately I have almost all my Christmas shopping done.

Had a quiet weekend. Read a lot. I'm re-reading The Lord of the Rings. I finished the first two books in less than a week. (anti-social behavior anyone?)

And other than getting through this week, that's about it.

You get the idea

It's October. And I'm feeling ok about that, mostly because the high for the next few days is in the 80s. So theoretically I can still get out and walk happily for awhile. I've been walking to and from school as usual, but every day this week I also walked at least the one mile loop near our house. I don't feel better and most days I don't want to do it. But I walk anyway, because I believe that it might be helping, even though I don't feel it. And if it's not helping yet, maybe it will later. And even if it doesn't help my mood, it will help my body. Even if I can't tell that it's helping my body. And I can't tell yet. I believe.

I'm very tired because I have moved on to not sleeping well. I tried some whole vitamin things that were supposed to uplift my mood. Then I read the ingredients and they had bovine ovaries, brain and stomach and porcine heart. I didn't feel ok about that. Lifelong vegetarian. Couldn't handle it. So today I started SAM-e. We'll see.

The highlight of my life right now is the upcoming visit of Ben Yancer. Not to put any pressure on you, Ben. But old friends are the best friends and you're one of my oldest. I bought tickets to a show to see while he's here. I'm excited. I hear there's a lot of audience participation. I like that.

My lower right eyelid is swollen and red and painful. It's not very noticeable, but yet another thing that I should probably go to the doctor for, but probably won't. I didn't even tell you about the last thing, and I'm not going to now.

Michael is on supervision duty this weekend.

Classes continue to go somewhat better. It's a miracle. Cause I sure didn't do anything to change what was happening in there. No initiative. Their first book reports are due next week and I'm already behind in my grading and I'm concerned that I won't be able to get everything done before grades are due. Once again, no initiative.

"I keep wanting you to be fair, but that's not what you said. I want certain answers to these prayers, but that's not what you said." --Sara Groves

To tell the truth

I don't feel like doing much of anything these days. I'm tired and sad. I don't know what this is about because the weather is still nice and I'm getting outside quite a bit. I still feel sad about my grandpas dying. And maybe it's because I got no break between work and camp and work and the stress of a new school year and all that stuff. Who knows? In any case, yesterday I got asked to do three extra things, school related trip, decorating, classes, stuff like that. I broke down to one of the women who asked and just said I didn't have enough emotional energy for extras. The other two I just said no. I think it's good that I could say no. But maybe it's just selfishness. In any case, it's good that it's the weekend. And my classes were surprisingly a little better this week. I didn't feel as if the boys were making my life worse on purpose. I think that's a step in the right direction.

The thing is that I worry that if I'm feeling this way now, while the weather is good that I'll never make it through the winter. My anxiety is up. I can tell because my obsessive thoughts and counting are taking over. I'm not sleeping well. My desk and my house are a mess. Maybe my paranoia about winter is making it all worse. The thing is that I think God made me to feel my full range of emotions. But sometimes I get stuck too long in the valleys. In some ways I think it's a good thing. I believe my lows make me a more compassionate person. But sometimes I wonder if that's enough of a good thing to outweigh the crushing sadness.

And that's my truth for today.

Title-less

Not a lot going on here...

There's testing this week, which gets in the way of my planning my classes, annoying, but, I suppose, necessary.

I seem to have either a cold or allergies. Can't tell which. Fun times.

Michael has Shingles. So apparently stress does effect him.

Homeleave starts a week from today, we're going to New York for half a day to see The Ritz, back on Broadway.

We have school again this Sunday, ugh.

And now a list of the some of the books I've read lately:

An Unquiet Mind - Kay Redfield Jamison
Personal History - Katharine Graham
How to Make an American Quilt - Whitney Otto
The Double Bind - Chris Bohjalian
All Over But the Shoutin' - Rick Bragg
A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Housseni
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - David Sedaris

The End

Accomplishment

Yesterday I got up and walked/jogged two and a half miles. Even though it was chilly and sprinkling, it seemed like a really good idea at the time. I've gained an uncomfortable amount of weight in recent months and when I look at pictures I'm not happy with what I see. This was not a New Year's resolution. I don't believe in them. Anyway, I felt really good afterward. And all day. It was the best day. Over all, endorphins rock. I was energized enough to take down all the Christmas stuff and put it away and drag the crispy Christmas tree outside and vacuum the living room and do two loads of laundry and put new sheets on the bed and dust the house. Most of those things I'd been meaning to do since I got back home a week and a half ago. But most days I just thought about it and gave up before starting. I just felt happy all day yesterday. And I know it was the endorphins.

Today I hurt. My legs want to fall off. This just goes to show that I'm really out of shape. I know it's not the walking, because last week I walked the same distance and had no pain afterward. It's the approximately half mile of jogging that did me in. Sad, I know. Right now, I'm just trying to remember yesterday's endorphins. They're fleeting. They should last at least a couple of days. At least until the pain subsides. Then I'd probably be more motivated to exercise again. Whereas, right now, I just want to go back to bed.

In other news, Michael is going to Southern for a few days to help with camp interviews. So I'll be all alone from Tuesday night till Thursday night. And I really don't feel like driving to and from Philadelphia twice in two days, but if I don't, I won't have a car. And that's annoying when I have to teach at eight on Thursday morning and the high for the day is 30 degrees.

Also, I don't know what I'm doing for class tomorrow. I'm fresh out of ideas. Maybe I'll show a movie. We're going to start public speaking soon. But that means I need to go though my box of notebooks and folders from college, and I really need some endophins to do that.

Things that make you go...

Amazing that being home for four days makes me want to always be home.

Amazing that I haven't actually lived at "home" for more than five years.

Thanksgiving break was great. Normal. I helped my mom pick out a new winter coat. The last one she bought was more than 10 years ago. Before that - about 35 years ago. That's one thrifty woman.

We celebrated Christa's birthday. I won't tell you how many it was. But whoa, I still think of all of the Schafer kids as kids, but we're not.

I watched a couple of movies in the theater, something I haven't done since we moved to Pennsylvania.

Enjoyed time with old friends.

Really enjoyed time with family.

Played games with the new family - in-laws.

It was all the way it should be.

Happy Thanksgiving to me.

(Also, I haven't heard any news about the bloodwork that I had done. I figure no news is good news, right? And the dizziness has been a little less.)

I don't feel like writing a whole other post about this so it's just going to get tacked on to the end of this one.

Parent teacher conferences went really well. I was able to make most of them positive. I had one student who had a D first quarter and an A+ second quarter, so it was fun to see that improvement. The parents were mostly really supportive. So my huge fears I guess were unfounded. Of course, we'll have to wait and see how it goes next time...

Not sure about this...

Riddle me this... do you think it's a bad thing that I've started talking to my students about how I don't think I'm a very good teacher? I've discussed this with at least three of my students in as many days.

And riddle me this... why won't they stop talking in class? Do I have so little authority that they don't care at all what I say?

Also a riddle... I don't mind vamping for time at the beginning of class. Sure, go get your book from your locker. We can't start without you and you won't be back for three minutes. That's three minutes I don't have to fill. Why can't I be a teacher that has so many important things to say that I need the whole class period to fill them? Who am I kidding? That will never be me.

Some of my students tell me I'm a good teacher. I assume they're kissing up. Or just trying not to hurt my feelings. Then they tell me about other teachers they've had and I think, okay, maybe I'm not that bad.

In other news: I haven't been dizzy today. First day in more than a week. Do I still need to get the expensive bloodwork done? Probably. Dang it.

Also in other news: I was playing volleyball last night at Rec and jammed my left ring finger pretty bad. I can't wear my wedding ring. And it hurts like the dickens. I think maybe my body has prioritized this pain over the dizziness. So when the pain goes, the dizziness comes back. We'll wait and see.

Also: Thanksgiving break starts on Sunday at 12:30. Sunday mornings I have parent/teacher conferences. How do I have a parent/teacher conference? I don't know what to say. What do these people want to hear? I've never been to one of these. Do they teach you how to do this in the education program? Also, I think all the parents will see that it's all just a facade. This me as a teacher thing. So that's my self doubts for today.

I'm glad we have a break very soon. I want to cry. It's a mixture of the pain and frustration. I'll be okay.

You spin me right round, baby, right round

Well.... the dizziness continues. It's generally not quite as bad as last Thursday. Teaching this morning was more difficult again. I think it's because I have to bend over a lot to help the students with their grammar, and then the standing up straight again really throws me for a loop. So yeah. I'm going to call a doctor for real this time and hope that I can get in to to see him soon. It wears me out. All the dizziness.

Other than that, we're now watching season one of 24. Mostly I miss Grey's Anatomy. Every time someone gets shot or beat up I wonder about internal injuries and what Dr. Burke would do. Maybe Dr. Bailey could assist. In any case, this show shouldn't be located in Los Angeles. All the best surgeons are in Seattle, for goodness sake. Yeah, I'm a loser, I know.

Really, I've mostly been worried about the dizziness and exhaustion. That's what's going on in my life. It's taking over. But Thanksgiving break starts on Sunday. That's only five days away, and I'm going home. So that's good news.

How 'bout that?

So yesterday I had a very weird and disconcerting experience. I was dizzy all day. I woke up and got out of bed and almost fell to the floor. Also while I was trying to get dressed. And everytime I turned around semi-quickly. And looking up after looking down for a few seconds. This was really annoying in class when I was trying to hand back papers, read a test, grade the same test, read journals, and anything else having to do with teaching. But it didn't stop there. Oh no. All day the dizziness continued. I thought I was going to die. Or that maybe, after all, I was pregnant. So I broke my rule. I called a doctor's office. I generally try not to go to the doctor unless I think I am near death. And this didn't quite qualify because I just called the doctor's office. And I talked to a nurse for a few minutes. She thought it was really strange too, since I don't have a headcold, am not congested and have had an earache only once in my life when I was five. That was a while ago, so it didn't seem to have anything to do with this.

She suggested I get my blood pressure checked in case I was having a stroke. I tried but couldn't find a nurse. She also suggested maybe taking a decongestant, in case it was a cold induced thing.

So instead of those things I went home and laid on the couch for a while and read and went to bed early. And today I'm not dizzy. It's a wonderful feeling. I woke up this morning and was fully expecting to fall when I tried to get up, but I didn't, and I haven't and I hope to never experience something like that again. So yeah. Halelujah.

I've had so many weird and random health problems, maybe this will become one of the weird recurring ones. Since I haven't had the cysts since March maybe my body came up with something to replace them. I might prefer the dizziness to the cysts. At least it's not mind numbing pain.