Where to begin?

This will probably be a ramble, because a lot has happened in two weeks, and I don't feel like sorting it all out.

So two weeks ago, I called the doctor's office and they couldn't get me in because they don't have my records yet from the other doctor's office. That meant no antidepressants. I cried on the phone with them. They didn't give in. I felt very frustrated. Here I am, really trying to do the right things for myself, and no one seemed to be willing to help me.

So the next day I was at my OBGYN to get my birth control shot and I told the nurse administering my shot what I was going through. I seriously broke down right there. I must have been convincing. She got me two prescriptions to hold me over until I can get in at the regular doctor. She was really nice. Here I am crying and hyperventilating and she's saying things like, "That's what we're here on earth for, to help each other." and "You're not crazy, we all go through rough times." So kudos to her, the only medical professional willing to do anything helpful for me.

Parent/teacher conferences went fine. I had to tell one set of parents that their son plagiarized his paper. They weren't happy with him.

The vice principal came to observe my class. I think it went well. We haven't talked about it yet. But I did get the results from my students' surveys. They were very positive. It made me feel like I could be a teacher after all...

It started snowing last Sunday before we started our drive to Louisville. It wasn't really sticking, but it was disappointing anyway. And gross. On our drive back on Saturday there was a lot of snow on the ground in western PA but none here.

I had a nice day with my sister. I think she had a good birthday. I met her new boyfriend, who seems very nice. It was good to be with family, even briefly.

I have a clothing budget of $50 per month. This month I got a pair of shoes, a dress, two shirts, a sweater/jacket, and a pair of capri/gauchos. Boo-yah. And with two dollars to spare.

Caught up on my sleep over the holidays. Still tired. Can't sleep. Should look into getting some Ambien.

Got our Christmas tree yesterday. We had to cut some of the top off so that it didn't hit the ceiling. A big difference over last year's Christmas bush. Pounce loves the tree and wants to climb it and play with the ornaments. Hopefully I'll get out the camera and pictures will follow.

Grades are due tomorrow and I still have grading and lesson planning to do, so I have to get back to work.

Odd

I found myself happy to put on a light sweater this morning. Maybe it's just because it's almost like having new clothes when it's been so long since I wore it, but still, it was a good feeling. I didn't expect that. The weather has changed. On Tuesday it was so unbearably hot in my office that I left early. Seriously, it was about 86, and my office has no air conditioning or fan or anything in the way of a draft/breeze. Today the high is 59. That's cold to me. Plus there's the Nebraska-esque wind. Still, I was happy to put on my lavender sweater. Weird, huh?

Reminder to self

This morning as I walked to work a thick fog surrounded me. Halfway through my walk I could see neither my house nor the school. (Usually I can see both.) I couldn't see the mountains beyond the school and the corn fields, which have already been mowed, seemed to drop off into nothing. It looked like the end of the world. Stark and grey. The silhouettes of broken corn stalks stabbing the horizon.

Then I looked up. About 100 feet up the sky was blue. The sun was shining.

It was a good example of what the last couple months have been like. I feel empty and I can't see very far around me, past my own nose, it seems; but if I can get my head up, there is light.

Just breathe.

Lately I've been feeling small. And I want to feel big. Important. Like I'm doing something that makes a difference. The other night I cried about it for awhile. I think God puts this ache in my heart for a reason, but so far I have no answers as to why it's there. Or how to change it. Or what I should be doing about it. And it leaves me feeling very frustrated and small. I never feel like I'm doing enough. Maybe this is some sort of complex I have. Something left over from my dysfunction.

I tried to talk to God about it when I was feeling this way the other night. And I tried to remind myself that I should be looking for my identity and affirmation only from Him. But it's hard. Hard to remember. Hard to believe.

So I start dreaming about the things I could be doing. Helping AIDS victims in Africa is a popular one for me. Or working for a home for abused women and children. Or saving victims of sexual trafficking. If I had a direction and a place to start that would be good.

Or is this Satan's distraction from the good I could be doing where I am?