What the...

So in the last few days I've been attacked by ridiculous back pain. I'm accustomed to back pain. It comes and goes. Actually, usually it comes and stays. But Thursday morning I woke up and I could barely move it hurt so bad. I used my electric heating pad pretty much all day, took a hot shower, mostly aimed at the bad spot, and had enough relief that I could sleep fairly well that night.

Friday and Saturday I was constantly aware of where the pain was, but it was much diminished from what it had been. Then, Saturday night at Target (which is a happy place for me), it struck with a vengeance. I got home and put on the heating pad, tried many different positions (feet in the air for less pressure on my spine, etc.), took a hot bath, none of which worked. Some of those positions proved to be very painful. So painful that it hurt to breathe. So now I wonder if I somehow broke a rib back there without knowing it. Or maybe there's a tumor growing there. Sleeping last night was tricky. Frequently waking up because of the pain, slowly and carefully changing positions to get back to sleep.

I'm up again, the pain isn't quite as bad as last night. Still using that heating pad. Wondering if I should get x-rays or a cat scan or something. Because this is just not normal. What in the world?

Meh

Sorry for the general lack of posting. I've been feeling particularly uninspired. Except to vent about the frustrations of my job, which I don't really want to dwell on in my cyber life, since I already dwell on it in real life. Ben has born the brunt of my exasperation by email in any case.

So it's been quite warm here lately, it got up to 70 yesterday. I sat on the concrete slab in front of our house yesterday just to try to be happy by osmosis from the sun's rays. I don't know if that's what did it or not, but I slept better last night than I have in weeks... maybe months.

I've been trying to remember, in my days of anxiety, that God put me here, specifically, for a reason, and as long as I'm doing my best and relying on Him that He'll work it out. Still, I get angry at my workers when they don't do their work and then I have to do it instead. I get angry when my students are disrespectful in class. I get angry, just basically, when things aren't going my way. How self-centered am I? I am, theoretically, an adult, and should have learned by now that things rarely go the way I want them to go and that really, it's time to get over myself.

Anyway, it leads to me being stressed and not sleeping well. I've had some crazy dreams lately. I've had dreams with people in them that I haven't seen in months or years. People I haven't thought about in months or years. Really vivid dreams. You'd think I'm on drugs or something. And every time this happens I wonder if it's some kind of prompt from God. Should I be praying for them when I wake up from a dream about them? Is this some subliminal kinship? Or am I just on the fritz?

The bad news is that it's supposed to snow this weekend. Which made me cry a little this morning. I really thought we were done now. I've been seeing the piles of snow in the parking lots shrink and turn darker. And rejoicing with their death. If it snows again, I feel like a piece of the joyful me is just going to give up and disappear forever.

I know, I'm overly despondent and dramatic today. I even annoy myself with all the complaining I do. Probably tomorrow I'll be fine.

I melt

The high for today is 42, a temperature unheard of since the beginning of January. I'm hoping the foot high pile of ice blocking the path to the front door starts to melt. Right now, we're just asking for broken bones every time we enter or exit our abode.

I've read eight books so far this year. They are, in chronological order:

Love Me by Garrison Keillor
The Innocent Man by John Grisham
A Mighty Heart by Mariane Pearl
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
All He Ever Wanted by Anita Shreve
Our Lady of the Forest by David Guterson
Storming Heaven by Denise Giardina
Teacher Man by Frank McCourt

I'm trying to keep up with a book a week. The one I'm starting today is Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. It won the Pulitzer Prize and I've been wanting to buy it for months. I'm excited.

We started a little public speaking in class. I thought I'd start off easy with a 2-3 minute reading. Sadly, no one in my classes listens so they all forgot about it and were just reading random passages from their textbooks. Not the most inspiring class period.

That's about it. I bought a gameboy advance used and am a little obsessed right now. It's really cutting into my reading time. And I'm not sleeping well. Which does not bode well for my mental health. Also, I changed my comment settings so I think it's easier to post comments now. See how I beg?

More bad gnus

Snow is in the forecast for the next three days. And it already snowed a little today. This also means it's cloudy. Again. And will continue to be so.

My work computer is too old and skanky to let me upload the pictures from my fancy shmancy camera. I don't own my own computer. Hence there will be no pictures of my life any time soon. Maybe after we get a tax refund we'll buy a computer.

We have school on Sunday. I think they should make the students go to school and monitor themselves. I don't want to teach. It should be illegal. At least classes start at 9:30. Otherwise, I would revolt.

Ugh

Bad things are happening.

Worthington or Loma Linda or Kellogg's or whoever is in charge of these things has discontinued Tuno. Which will make it difficult for me to make my favorite casserole, Tuno Pinwheels. I'm very upset. And thinking about writing protest letters, and having my English students write protest letters. I have 49 students this semester. That might make an impact.

And it's snowing. The first snow of the season. It makes me want to vomit. Lots of students are excited. I'm disgusted. I had some hope that this would not happen this year. You know, God's little gift to me. Sadly, no. (Yes, I realize that my stance on snow contradicts my feelings about the need to preserve the environment. If our government and the car/gas industry decide to stop being greedy and do something to protect our grandchildren, I will resign myself to moving to Florida. I don't think it will be necessary.)

You spin me right round, baby, right round

Well.... the dizziness continues. It's generally not quite as bad as last Thursday. Teaching this morning was more difficult again. I think it's because I have to bend over a lot to help the students with their grammar, and then the standing up straight again really throws me for a loop. So yeah. I'm going to call a doctor for real this time and hope that I can get in to to see him soon. It wears me out. All the dizziness.

Other than that, we're now watching season one of 24. Mostly I miss Grey's Anatomy. Every time someone gets shot or beat up I wonder about internal injuries and what Dr. Burke would do. Maybe Dr. Bailey could assist. In any case, this show shouldn't be located in Los Angeles. All the best surgeons are in Seattle, for goodness sake. Yeah, I'm a loser, I know.

Really, I've mostly been worried about the dizziness and exhaustion. That's what's going on in my life. It's taking over. But Thanksgiving break starts on Sunday. That's only five days away, and I'm going home. So that's good news.