Meh
Sorry for the general lack of posting. I've been feeling particularly uninspired. Except to vent about the frustrations of my job, which I don't really want to dwell on in my cyber life, since I already dwell on it in real life. Ben has born the brunt of my exasperation by email in any case.
So it's been quite warm here lately, it got up to 70 yesterday. I sat on the concrete slab in front of our house yesterday just to try to be happy by osmosis from the sun's rays. I don't know if that's what did it or not, but I slept better last night than I have in weeks... maybe months.
I've been trying to remember, in my days of anxiety, that God put me here, specifically, for a reason, and as long as I'm doing my best and relying on Him that He'll work it out. Still, I get angry at my workers when they don't do their work and then I have to do it instead. I get angry when my students are disrespectful in class. I get angry, just basically, when things aren't going my way. How self-centered am I? I am, theoretically, an adult, and should have learned by now that things rarely go the way I want them to go and that really, it's time to get over myself.
Anyway, it leads to me being stressed and not sleeping well. I've had some crazy dreams lately. I've had dreams with people in them that I haven't seen in months or years. People I haven't thought about in months or years. Really vivid dreams. You'd think I'm on drugs or something. And every time this happens I wonder if it's some kind of prompt from God. Should I be praying for them when I wake up from a dream about them? Is this some subliminal kinship? Or am I just on the fritz?
The bad news is that it's supposed to snow this weekend. Which made me cry a little this morning. I really thought we were done now. I've been seeing the piles of snow in the parking lots shrink and turn darker. And rejoicing with their death. If it snows again, I feel like a piece of the joyful me is just going to give up and disappear forever.
I know, I'm overly despondent and dramatic today. I even annoy myself with all the complaining I do. Probably tomorrow I'll be fine.
3 comments:
With the snow and the crying, I understand. The weather is toying with my joy as well.
It will get better, the everything.
It seems like the whole nation is colder this week. It has snowed here the entire month of April so far. Right now it is the middle of the ay and 18 degrees. It's very depressing. I empathize.
What you're going through is so familiar to me. It DOES get better, I swear it. You WILL know joy again. Keep the faith, cling to hope, and seek joy.
I'd never noticed before that our brains really are alike--I can resonate with so much of what you say, and you've said the same about me, and both of us seem to have quite the obsession with joy and sunshine. It's good to know we're not alone, huh? (Makes me feel a little more normal!)
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