Dreaming

Yesterday it was all sunny - the second day in a row. And almost all the snow melted. And I felt melty inside too. Happy that maybe, possibly winter would end soon. So this morning when I woke up, looked outside and saw big, fluffy snowflakes my heart broke. Seriously. I started crying. I hate Pennsylvania. I want to move south. Maybe if I were schizophrenic I could imagine that I lived somewhere else and pretend that place was warm. I would probably get frostbite. But so far it doesn't seem that I'm schizophrenic. We won't totally dismiss the possibility though.

So yesterday whilst writing an email to Ben I realized that I should keep track of all my dreams right now, because lately my dreams have been very vivid and a little crazy. So I started keeping a log. Here's a snippet from my last few nights.
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Feb 21, 2008 -- Last night I had a dream in which I gave a persuasive speech about why Barack Obama should be president. I received a standing ovation. Then Ben and I danced and sang to "I will go down with this ship." Then Ben did a cartwheel/round-off combo. We also stopped and saw several of our married friends, all of whom had babies. Some cuter than others. All of this was on Union's campus and Justin was there too. (But the teacher in the persuasive speech setting was Mrs. G, and she was definitely not for Obama.)

Feb 23 -- I had a dream that my grandma was in assisted living in Nashville and mom took me to see her. I helped feed her even though she could do it herself, and she was talking to me, and was all lively, much more so than the last times I saw her. The whole time I kept thinking, "this is so weird because she's dead."

Feb 24 -- I dreamed that Leslie, Sissel and I were going on a road trip, and then Athena showed up as a surprise. And she was so small that she had hidden in her luggage and had it delivered to Sissel's door. Also, for a time, my car was invisible because I had left it in drive when I got out of it.

Feb 25 – DM's dad was observing my class and my students were being really bad. Half of them weren’t there, the others wouldn’t listen to me. He told me that some of my students had been talking about plagiarizing their book reports off of myspace.
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So if I've told you any of my dreams in the last few weeks/months let me know so that I can write them down.

Those are milder and less stress-inducing than my dreams of a month or so ago. So I take that as a good sign.

The soundtrack for this post is The Cranberries "Dreams." In case you were wondering

Title:

I don't feel like blogging. But I feel like I should. So here's the update: I'm still feeling emotionally a lot better. Which if great. Still, I'm ready for spring. We have about six inches of snow today. Which, if you know me at all, is not a good thing to my way of thinking. Although it does heighten the chance of the daffodils I planted two weeks ago having a chance to bloom.

I'm a little sick today. Sore throat, headache, congestion... A lot of the kids at school have been sick, so I've just been waiting for it to hit me. I had hoped that I would escape, but it doesn't look that way. I slept through work this morning, but made it for the afternoon.

Our principal is leaving. This makes us sad and apprehensive about the future.

We bought our tickets to London and from Rome. We scheduled our hotel for a week in Italy. So we're officially going to Europe this summer, barring any unhappy circumstances. I think with all the deaths in my family lately I just feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I don't make any long-term plans without thinking about the possibility of having to break them for a funeral. Hence travel insurance.

And spring break begins in a week and a half... I can make it that long. I believe.

Time flies

Six and a half years ago Michael asked me to be his girlfriend. Four years ago, on a very cold snowy day in Valentine, Nebraska, he asked me to be his wife. A lot of things have happened since then, some bad, mostly good. I'm sure glad I said yes.

Recent photos

One of my birthday roses


The Schafer girls


Michael in the Christmas spirit


Schafer kids and spouses


Pounce is very smart


And she likes to sit in the sink


Shelby is smart too

What the...

So in the last few days I've been attacked by ridiculous back pain. I'm accustomed to back pain. It comes and goes. Actually, usually it comes and stays. But Thursday morning I woke up and I could barely move it hurt so bad. I used my electric heating pad pretty much all day, took a hot shower, mostly aimed at the bad spot, and had enough relief that I could sleep fairly well that night.

Friday and Saturday I was constantly aware of where the pain was, but it was much diminished from what it had been. Then, Saturday night at Target (which is a happy place for me), it struck with a vengeance. I got home and put on the heating pad, tried many different positions (feet in the air for less pressure on my spine, etc.), took a hot bath, none of which worked. Some of those positions proved to be very painful. So painful that it hurt to breathe. So now I wonder if I somehow broke a rib back there without knowing it. Or maybe there's a tumor growing there. Sleeping last night was tricky. Frequently waking up because of the pain, slowly and carefully changing positions to get back to sleep.

I'm up again, the pain isn't quite as bad as last night. Still using that heating pad. Wondering if I should get x-rays or a cat scan or something. Because this is just not normal. What in the world?

Maybe after I write the post I'll come up with a title.

This week has been good. Not superdy-duper awesome good. But good. I haven't had a really bad day yet. Some tiredness. Apparently, coming off of 50 mgs gives me more energy, but also takes away my ability to sleep for long periods of time. But it is nice to have energy. Really nice. I'm almost caught up on my grading. (!) And I don't want to go to bed before I get home from work.

So, on Tuesday, in class one of my students said, "You're in a good mood today, aren't you, Mrs. Shofner?" And I said (a little surprised) "Yeah, I guess I am." I feel bad that my students had to suffer with me through most of this year. Hopefully things will be better for all of us from here on out.

Also, hurrah for Super Tuesday! McCain did well, and if I had to vote for a Republican, he would be one of a very short list that I would feel semi-okay about. And Obama proved that he is a viable candidate. And many more Democrats voted than Republicans, over all. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside with the hope that our country will be different soon. I hope not to be terribly disappointed.

"What is honored in a country will be cultivated there." - Plato (meat, beer, entertainment and war?)

While I'm dreaming of moving south, we're planning on staying here for at least one more year. We like the school. Even if Pennsylvania itself makes me die inside. And I like my job most of the time, which cannot be said of all jobs I've had. Notably one that I had in Kentucky. Yeah.

My mother-in-law is coming to visit in a week. I'm trying not to be stressed.

I need to take my animals to the vet.

I planted some daffodil bulbs yesterday. I didn't have energy to do so in the fall when I should have. So I hope that they'll bloom, despite my negligence.

I got up to level 51 on freerice the other day. This was surprising, because previously there were only 50 levels. Now, apparently there are 55. I haven't gotten past 51 yet.

I think I'm getting carpel tunnel from playing too many computer games. This started over homeleave. Maybe I should get a life.

Out of the blue

Inexplicably, yesterday I woke up and felt good. I woke with thoughts of what I could do. So I got up and went for a two and a half mile walk with Shelby. Shelby could barely keep up near the end. Then I did a load of laundry. Then took a shower. Then I unpacked clothes that have been laying on the futon in the living room for a month. Then I put away clothes in my bedroom that had been around longer than that. Then I cleared off the kitchen counter and washed it. Then I vacuumed the floors and cleaned up a big potted plant disaster made by Pounce. Then I dusted. Then I made a dip for the Superbowl party I was to attend. Then I did some grocery shopping. Then I watched and enjoyed the Superbowl. If this sounds like a normal day to you, then a little part of me hates you. Because this was more than I have dreamed of accomplishing in the last several months. Some days taking a shower is a chore and so it doesn't get done. I've lost ten pounds because of my lack of appetite and my lack of energy to get up and make anything edible. I can't remember the last time I've felt so happy. For no apparent reason. Also, I didn't need a nap.

On my walk I prayed that spring would come soon. (Hurrah for global warming, at least where I live.)

Today I'm tired and I have a sty in my eye. But I didn't dread coming to work this morning. And I have hope that I will feel happy again. That was gone for awhile, folks. Just a couple of weeks ago I was telling my step-dad that I was having to deal with the idea that I may never be happy again. And to have one day of happiness was like the sun breaking through the clouds of a hurricane.

I think at least part of it was lowering my medication-I'm down to 30 mgs. The fatigue caused by the 50 mgs was as bad as depression. Now I know that not every day will be good, and I can't let myself expect that, but I can hope that some days will be good. And one might just hit me out of the blue.

"You walk in a room, you look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself, it's been awhile since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope." -Sara Groves