Did I mention that I hate winter?

A branch on the maple tree in our front yard. Usually it's several feet higher than this.

Grass-sickle anyone?

Ice-laden fir tree

Winter wonderland?

Noone's home.

Had a big ice storm last night/this morning. It took us fifteen minutes to get the car doors open, using boiling water, etc. We wouldn't have ventured outside, but we had Sunday school. There was a bird frozen to a tree on campus. I didn't see it, but all the kids were talking about it. Thankfully the sun is out this afternoon and the ice is falling off the trees, so we may not lose too many more branches.

Boo-yah

Free Rice. Reached level 50 today. Didn't stay there. But still.

Random

No miraculous mood change yet. When I wake up in the morning I use my light and I feel like I have more energy afterward, but I don't feel particularly happy. I'm not feeling the deep sadness of before either. So I'm just kind of minorly depressed. Which I guess is better.

I got more feedback from my students' surveys. And I felt really good about it. I'm starting to think maybe I should be a teacher. But right now I'm just doing this part time-two classes. I can't imagine teaching full-time. So I guess I still don't know what to do with my life.

I caught Pounce halfway up the Christmas tree the other day. Now we have to watch out for that.

Two weeks from tomorrow Christmas vacation begins. That's a little hard to believe. I have no idea how I've gotten halfway through this school year. And second semester always flies by, so I'm practically done with this year. We're going to Florida for Christmas. Maybe the warmer weather and time with family will do the trick.

It keeps snowing here. It's not accumulating. Probably because of the wind. I guess all the snow we had here is probably down in Virginia by now.

I've gotten up to level 48 on freerice. And I've donated more than 80,00 grains of rice.

And that's about it.

Blessings

I have amazing friends. Sometimes I forget, because they're far away, and I'm not really good at staying in touch. But then they remind me. They are generous and thoughtful. And amazing.


Here I am in the light of my new light box. If you know what I'm talking about, thank you. You made my life a better place to be.


And, as promised, pictures of Pounce and the Christmas tree. I think this is quintessential Pounce. Curious and in your face.


Our giant tree.


An angel ornament that I inherited from my grandma. (I love angel ornaments and joy ornaments. You get it, Angela Joy.)


I don't even know where the string came from, but Pounce loves it.

The principal came to observe my class this morning. I think it went alright. I have a counseling appointment tonight and good things to report. I have amazing friends and family. Even when it doesn't feel good, my life is very blessed. Also, if you haven't tried it yet, go to Freerice.com. I'm obsessed. I've donated more than 30,000 grains of rice in the last three days. That's a lot of vocabulary words. And a lot of life avoidance, but I'll deal with that later. At least it's for a good cause.

Where to begin?

This will probably be a ramble, because a lot has happened in two weeks, and I don't feel like sorting it all out.

So two weeks ago, I called the doctor's office and they couldn't get me in because they don't have my records yet from the other doctor's office. That meant no antidepressants. I cried on the phone with them. They didn't give in. I felt very frustrated. Here I am, really trying to do the right things for myself, and no one seemed to be willing to help me.

So the next day I was at my OBGYN to get my birth control shot and I told the nurse administering my shot what I was going through. I seriously broke down right there. I must have been convincing. She got me two prescriptions to hold me over until I can get in at the regular doctor. She was really nice. Here I am crying and hyperventilating and she's saying things like, "That's what we're here on earth for, to help each other." and "You're not crazy, we all go through rough times." So kudos to her, the only medical professional willing to do anything helpful for me.

Parent/teacher conferences went fine. I had to tell one set of parents that their son plagiarized his paper. They weren't happy with him.

The vice principal came to observe my class. I think it went well. We haven't talked about it yet. But I did get the results from my students' surveys. They were very positive. It made me feel like I could be a teacher after all...

It started snowing last Sunday before we started our drive to Louisville. It wasn't really sticking, but it was disappointing anyway. And gross. On our drive back on Saturday there was a lot of snow on the ground in western PA but none here.

I had a nice day with my sister. I think she had a good birthday. I met her new boyfriend, who seems very nice. It was good to be with family, even briefly.

I have a clothing budget of $50 per month. This month I got a pair of shoes, a dress, two shirts, a sweater/jacket, and a pair of capri/gauchos. Boo-yah. And with two dollars to spare.

Caught up on my sleep over the holidays. Still tired. Can't sleep. Should look into getting some Ambien.

Got our Christmas tree yesterday. We had to cut some of the top off so that it didn't hit the ceiling. A big difference over last year's Christmas bush. Pounce loves the tree and wants to climb it and play with the ornaments. Hopefully I'll get out the camera and pictures will follow.

Grades are due tomorrow and I still have grading and lesson planning to do, so I have to get back to work.

Pounce and more

For your viewing enjoyment: more pictures of Pounce. And what's going on in our lives? I can't sleep. I've had a sore throat and a wisdom tooth that is gnawing into my cheek. Which is pretty painful, as you may imagine. The hole in my cheek is kind of gross and impressive. But when I lay on my left side I wake up from the pain of my cheek hole being pushed into my wisdom tooth. I talked to a dentist I know and he's going to give me something to cauterize (sounds scary) the "wound." He said I don't have to have the tooth pulled right now. Which is what I've been worried about. Because I don't have time to have it pulled right now.

Yesterday we had Fall Festival here. I had a good time. I especially enjoyed hearing nice things about my husband. Two parents came up to Michael and told him that their children love his classes and talk about him and their classes. I beamed. It made Michael feel good too. I keep telling him that he's a good teacher and he should just stick it out for awhile. It's good to have reassurement from parents, though, and we don't get that a lot at boarding school. Really, it's good to get reassurement from anyone. Speaking of teaching, I have an administrator coming to observe my class tomorrow. That's stressful. Then sometime I'll have an evaluation. I guess if they tell me I'm a terrible teacher I can know that this is not the career that I got my degree for, and I'll move on to something else and they can just find a different teacher. For two classes. I know people are just falling over themselves to get this job. (cough, cough) Obviously, since they hired me out of desperation. Suckers.

Also, at the end of this week is Parent Weekend. Included in the fun and games are a parent/teacher forum where all the parents and teachers get together and the parents can ask any questions they like to anyone, and parent/teacher conferences. I learned last year that parent/teacher conferences weren't as bad as I feared. I'm hoping that my observation holds true for this year. So far, I only have two parents signed up to talk to me. That would be nice, but I'm sure it won't go down that way.

So that's some of the anxiety that I'm dealing with right now. I'm ready for this week to be over. Actually, I'd like to fast forward to exactly a week from now, when, hopefully, I'll be on my way to Nashville from Louisville to celebrate my sister's birthday. Sigh.



See, Michael's still around.



Shelby is starting to get irritated by Pounce. Pounce pounces on Shelby, especially her tail. Shelby doesn't like this much. Still, they have some sweet moments.



Just an autumnal view.



She's very playful.



I tricked her into climbing in there for a treat and then closed her in, turned the carton right side up, then released her. She didn't like it much, but it made for a cute picture. I put SoftClaws on her so that she can't scratch me or the furniture anymore. A good alternative to declawing. At first she fell alot when trying to jump onto things she used to be able to claw her way up. It was pretty funny. I hope you don't all think I'm a horrible person after this last paragraph. You've gotta take your laughs where you can get them. In case you're worried, I'm still her favorite person, so I must not be too mean.

Pounce de Lion

That's the official name. Whether it will stick or not I'm not sure. Mostly she goes by Pounce. She's 8 1/2 weeks old. She has become quite proficient at climbing legs. So I'm trying to dissuade her from that. Also, she's fascinated by the ceiling fan. She tried to climb up the bed post so that she could attack it. Several times she's fallen asleep on my lap, which is pretty much all I want from my animals. To cuddle. She's also getting quite vocal. If I'm not paying attention to her she wails. And meows. Endlessly until she's picked up. Soon after being picked up she wants to get down and play. Then she starts crying again because I'm not paying attention to her. She's already very good at using the litter box. We seem to have had one accident in the four days we've had her. Much better than Shelby as a puppy. Accidents all over the place.

Speaking of Shelby, she got sprayed by a skunk last night. I want to go back and check my posts from last year, but I think it's almost exactly the same time as when she was sprayed before. This time she didn't get as close and hence was not sprayed nearly as bad. We slathered her in tomato juice, dish soap, doggy shampoo and bubble bath. So far it seems to have worked. But last time, when we came home after letting her in the house we were nearly bowled over by the stench. It's the leaving then coming back that's the real test, so we'll see when we come home for lunch today whether our house seems habitable.

I wore a coat and scarf today. Probably if I weren't walking to work it wouldn't have been totally necessary, but I was and it was pretty cold and windy, of course. I think the weather has probably turned for worse. It's this time of year that I wonder whether I'll make it until April or May. Last April wasn't much good because it still snowed. And May was just OK. So here's to June. When I'll be happy again (I hope). Actually, I'm waiting to get in to see a doctor so that I can get on antidepressants, so it might not take that long to be happy again. We'll have to wait and see.

P.S. I did go back and check old posts and it was a year ago last Saturday night. So next November, remind me not to let Shelby outside at night.

The newest Shofner

We added a member over the weekend.







Shelby loves her. And she mostly ignores Shelby, but sometimes chases her or places with her tail. Sometimes they snuggle up together. She makes me happy. And she doesn't have a name yet (though I'm leaning towards Sadie or Thor) so I'm taking suggestions. We hope she'll grow up and eat lots of mice. (Did I mention we have a bit of a mouse problem?) And she likes me a lot. This morning when I was putting on makeup she meowed and complained that I wasn't paying attention to her. Then she climbed up my leg. Which was painful. But endearing.

Not much to tell

Most of last week was grey and/or rainy. Saturday it started rainy but the sun came out and ever since it's been partly sunny but getting chillier. We had our first frost last night. It was cold walking to work this morning.

I had my first session with a new counselor and I liked her. She seemed to get what's going on in my head and had some insights that hadn't occurred to me yet.

I'm going to try to get in to see a new doctor this week. I've decided that I need to get on antidepressants before winter comes because it's already too hard. And it's not lifting.

Three weeks until Thanksgiving break. Seven and a half weeks until Christmas break. Fortunately I have almost all my Christmas shopping done.

Had a quiet weekend. Read a lot. I'm re-reading The Lord of the Rings. I finished the first two books in less than a week. (anti-social behavior anyone?)

And other than getting through this week, that's about it.

There and back again

Ben came to visit over homeleave. A good time was had by... well, at least me. We had some pretty good food and we saw a good show in New York, among other things.



The naked cowboy. Of all the times I've been to New York, this is the first time I saw him. Given, a lot of the times I've been, it's been about 2o degrees outside. I wouldn't go out in that kind of weather in just my underwear. However I can't think of any time that I would go to Times Square in just my underwear.



Ben and me with all the theater billboards behind us.



And again.



Angela at the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.



Ben at the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.



Both of us at the Bee.



Home



Ben and me (with curly hair) before he left to go back home.



Pretty tree in my front yard.



Pretty leaves.



Me at home. Alone, but with curly hair.

Odd

I found myself happy to put on a light sweater this morning. Maybe it's just because it's almost like having new clothes when it's been so long since I wore it, but still, it was a good feeling. I didn't expect that. The weather has changed. On Tuesday it was so unbearably hot in my office that I left early. Seriously, it was about 86, and my office has no air conditioning or fan or anything in the way of a draft/breeze. Today the high is 59. That's cold to me. Plus there's the Nebraska-esque wind. Still, I was happy to put on my lavender sweater. Weird, huh?

Inspiration

Today is the anniversary of the birth of Eleanor Roosevelt, one of my heroines.

In her honor, a quote. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

She supported suffrage, civil rights and the end of child labor, among other things.

Her example encourages me to be a strong woman.

Reminder to self

This morning as I walked to work a thick fog surrounded me. Halfway through my walk I could see neither my house nor the school. (Usually I can see both.) I couldn't see the mountains beyond the school and the corn fields, which have already been mowed, seemed to drop off into nothing. It looked like the end of the world. Stark and grey. The silhouettes of broken corn stalks stabbing the horizon.

Then I looked up. About 100 feet up the sky was blue. The sun was shining.

It was a good example of what the last couple months have been like. I feel empty and I can't see very far around me, past my own nose, it seems; but if I can get my head up, there is light.

Update

I cleaned off my desk and spent several hours grading.

Something must be better.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"

-Emily Dickinson

You get the idea

It's October. And I'm feeling ok about that, mostly because the high for the next few days is in the 80s. So theoretically I can still get out and walk happily for awhile. I've been walking to and from school as usual, but every day this week I also walked at least the one mile loop near our house. I don't feel better and most days I don't want to do it. But I walk anyway, because I believe that it might be helping, even though I don't feel it. And if it's not helping yet, maybe it will later. And even if it doesn't help my mood, it will help my body. Even if I can't tell that it's helping my body. And I can't tell yet. I believe.

I'm very tired because I have moved on to not sleeping well. I tried some whole vitamin things that were supposed to uplift my mood. Then I read the ingredients and they had bovine ovaries, brain and stomach and porcine heart. I didn't feel ok about that. Lifelong vegetarian. Couldn't handle it. So today I started SAM-e. We'll see.

The highlight of my life right now is the upcoming visit of Ben Yancer. Not to put any pressure on you, Ben. But old friends are the best friends and you're one of my oldest. I bought tickets to a show to see while he's here. I'm excited. I hear there's a lot of audience participation. I like that.

My lower right eyelid is swollen and red and painful. It's not very noticeable, but yet another thing that I should probably go to the doctor for, but probably won't. I didn't even tell you about the last thing, and I'm not going to now.

Michael is on supervision duty this weekend.

Classes continue to go somewhat better. It's a miracle. Cause I sure didn't do anything to change what was happening in there. No initiative. Their first book reports are due next week and I'm already behind in my grading and I'm concerned that I won't be able to get everything done before grades are due. Once again, no initiative.

"I keep wanting you to be fair, but that's not what you said. I want certain answers to these prayers, but that's not what you said." --Sara Groves

To tell the truth

I don't feel like doing much of anything these days. I'm tired and sad. I don't know what this is about because the weather is still nice and I'm getting outside quite a bit. I still feel sad about my grandpas dying. And maybe it's because I got no break between work and camp and work and the stress of a new school year and all that stuff. Who knows? In any case, yesterday I got asked to do three extra things, school related trip, decorating, classes, stuff like that. I broke down to one of the women who asked and just said I didn't have enough emotional energy for extras. The other two I just said no. I think it's good that I could say no. But maybe it's just selfishness. In any case, it's good that it's the weekend. And my classes were surprisingly a little better this week. I didn't feel as if the boys were making my life worse on purpose. I think that's a step in the right direction.

The thing is that I worry that if I'm feeling this way now, while the weather is good that I'll never make it through the winter. My anxiety is up. I can tell because my obsessive thoughts and counting are taking over. I'm not sleeping well. My desk and my house are a mess. Maybe my paranoia about winter is making it all worse. The thing is that I think God made me to feel my full range of emotions. But sometimes I get stuck too long in the valleys. In some ways I think it's a good thing. I believe my lows make me a more compassionate person. But sometimes I wonder if that's enough of a good thing to outweigh the crushing sadness.

And that's my truth for today.

things done over homeleave

Went to New York twice
Saw a show-not the best
Played a lot of hand and foot
Finished The Beet Queen by Louise Erdrich
Went to a Greek food festival
Ate Thai food in Lancaster
Went outlet mall shopping in Amish country
Had friends over for dinner (black bean soup and spinach-artichoke dip)
Tried to sleep in a lot
Watched a few movies
Did some house-cleaning
Didn't take any pictures

Title-less

Not a lot going on here...

There's testing this week, which gets in the way of my planning my classes, annoying, but, I suppose, necessary.

I seem to have either a cold or allergies. Can't tell which. Fun times.

Michael has Shingles. So apparently stress does effect him.

Homeleave starts a week from today, we're going to New York for half a day to see The Ritz, back on Broadway.

We have school again this Sunday, ugh.

And now a list of the some of the books I've read lately:

An Unquiet Mind - Kay Redfield Jamison
Personal History - Katharine Graham
How to Make an American Quilt - Whitney Otto
The Double Bind - Chris Bohjalian
All Over But the Shoutin' - Rick Bragg
A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Housseni
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - David Sedaris

The End

Oh, the things they say...

So the other day I went to the business office to procure some mini post-it notes. There was a new student working there. Let's call him Bill. (Yes, I know his real name.) Anyway, I had introduced myself to him about two days before, so I said, "Hey Bill, can I get some little post-it notes?" Bill said, "Are they for you or a teacher?"

I informed him that I am a teacher. Anyway, I bring this up because it happens disturbingly often and I don't know whether I should take it as a compliment or not. On the one hand there's the fact that lots of people think I look young enough to be a high school student. On the other hand there's the fact that lots of people think I look young enough to be a high school student. I think you know what I mean.

Is it because of things like this?

Clip, clip

We're back from Senior Retreat. And instead of this being a long holiday weekend we had school on Sunday and Monday. Boarding academy... I guess maybe this is what Labor Day is really about--hard work. Anyway, Tuesday was Fall Picnic. So generally a lot of running around and class spirit. Also, I got my hair cut. I cut 3-4 inches off. And it feels fabulous. Every time I let my hair get longish and then cut it, I always wonder why I grew it out in the first place. Somebody remind me of this, please. Anyway, here are some pictures from a few moments ago. I forgot to bring the camera cable so I could show you the pictures I took last night when it was fresh, so these, from my computer will have to do.






Michael got a new laptop, which the school paid for half of, so he's really excited about that. We've been playing Age of Empires next to each other. (By the way, we're big nerds.) So that's what's going on here, busy with work, but life is good.

Oh, yeah...

Here's a picture of the hole I made in the tire. Remember? With the huge pothole in Indiana. Yeah.

Miscellany

In my attempt to become more Blake-ish, this year I'm starting my class with a (hopefully) thought-provoking quote. Today's was: "Much less evil would be done on earth if evil could not be done in the name of good" -- Marie Von Ebner Eschenbach. So I asked my students what they thought were some examples of evil done in the name of good. My first class I got some good responses. In my second class, the boys who are trying to convince me not to teach anymore mostly made fun of it. I understand the desire to be cool in front of your friends. I vaguely remember the horrors of high school. The emotional roller coaster, the hormonal disaster that is a teenager. I also remember the class ahead of mine being unduly cruel to their teachers. Their goal being to get Mrs. C to cry every day in class and to get Mr. H to resign. Both of them ended up only teaching for that one year. At the time I thought it was pretty awful of them, but also a little funny. Now I just want to cry for them and a little for me.

My first class generally goes well and the students pay attention and participate. Ideal. Second class, I have one student who continually roams the classroom. Every time he makes a comment he wants to do so from the front of the room. And he wants to make a lot of comments. I have other students who read very slowly on purpose. I'm not sure what the purpose is, other than to frustrate me and maybe get a few laughs(?). Honestly, I don't get it.

In other news, we're already planning our first homeleave. Planning on going to New York and seeing a show, eating Chipotle. (For those of you in Lincoln, you don't know how lucky you are to be in such close proximity to such deliciousness.) There will probably be cheesecake involved. We were thinking about spending the night, but the hostels (not hotels, hostels) start at $62 a night. To get a decent hotel room, with a shared bathroom, you'll pay more than $175 a night. That's a bit steep for us. Manhattan's quite pricy. In any case, I'm excited.

Also, in case you didn't know, the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden started yesterday. Go henceforth and eat lots of pasta.

Also, we're going on Senior Retreat at the end of this week... hoping for good times, hoping there is no hurricane coming through, like last year, and that it's not too hot.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of me in my office, five minutes ago. That's right, my computer takes pictures. Sucka.



Amen.

The things students say... (ripped off title from Carissa)

"Do I have to spell correctly in my journal?"

Since this came from a notoriously sarcastic student, I'm thinking... well, don't go out of your way to spell incorrectly.

(And yes, I'm pretty sure I was a notoriously sarcastic student in my days too...)

Etc.

This is Michael and me at the end-of-summer camp staff party.


Me, my cousin Naomi, Kirk and Christa at Clear Lake, a place my dad visited a lot as a kid in Indiana or Michigan. I'm not sure whether we crossed the border or not.


Me, Kirk and Christa at our Grandpa's funeral.


Christa, me, Mom and Michael at home when they visited in March.


Christa and me when we went to see the Lion King on Broadway.

Randomness from the past year...

This is Shelby. She's not always this calm.



She's usually more like this.



This is the siblings plus spouses last Christmas.



This is during one of the spring break trips to New York. I'll let you guess where we are.



This was a January trip to New York. It was about 17 degrees, plus if you've ever been to New York you know what the wind is like. Oh my word. So I tried to take a shot without the flash. But I was very cold. Hard to keep the camera still. I thought it was cool anyway.