To tell the truth
I don't feel like doing much of anything these days. I'm tired and sad. I don't know what this is about because the weather is still nice and I'm getting outside quite a bit. I still feel sad about my grandpas dying. And maybe it's because I got no break between work and camp and work and the stress of a new school year and all that stuff. Who knows? In any case, yesterday I got asked to do three extra things, school related trip, decorating, classes, stuff like that. I broke down to one of the women who asked and just said I didn't have enough emotional energy for extras. The other two I just said no. I think it's good that I could say no. But maybe it's just selfishness. In any case, it's good that it's the weekend. And my classes were surprisingly a little better this week. I didn't feel as if the boys were making my life worse on purpose. I think that's a step in the right direction.
The thing is that I worry that if I'm feeling this way now, while the weather is good that I'll never make it through the winter. My anxiety is up. I can tell because my obsessive thoughts and counting are taking over. I'm not sleeping well. My desk and my house are a mess. Maybe my paranoia about winter is making it all worse. The thing is that I think God made me to feel my full range of emotions. But sometimes I get stuck too long in the valleys. In some ways I think it's a good thing. I believe my lows make me a more compassionate person. But sometimes I wonder if that's enough of a good thing to outweigh the crushing sadness.
And that's my truth for today.
3 comments:
Angela,
Seriously, you have no idea how exactly your words could have come out of my mouth. I've never come across anyone whose experience seems so much like mine. Every sentence you wrote is exactly what's going on with me.
I'm already feeling it too--in fact, I'm already on medication for the winter. Most days I think it helps. I can get out of bed in the morning (although I do get 9 or more hours of sleep per night), and I don't have too much trouble getting myself to class. But my anxiety is probably the worst it's ever been. I hardly eat, sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a mini-panic attack or something... it's crazy. It's so much work just to take care of myself--just to keep breathing. And I feel the same way you do--that this intense empty sadness makes me more compassionate and appreciate the beautiful moments more, but I also really wonder sometimes: can I survive this? Can I actually make it through until happiness comes around again? WILL it come around again?
This is more of an e-mail than a comment, but a) I'm not sure I have your address and b) I don't really care who reads it.
Thanks for being honest. I wish you courage and peace and joy, even if the moments are small, and the ability to cherish them. And I wish you a good workout, a good read, and a hot shower--because these are some things that make me feel at least momentarily human again. :) Blessings.
I'm glad I'm coming to visit.
And soon!
I just bought my ticket.
:)
And I had it e-mail you the itinerary. So you should already know that I just bought my ticket.
But I like saying things.
Anyhow.
:)
i found your blog today. honest and real. i think it was good you said no. it's not being selfish. it's about defining your boundaries. and i wish you a steady trek out of the valley with Jesus grasping your hand.
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