Out of the blue
Inexplicably, yesterday I woke up and felt good. I woke with thoughts of what I could do. So I got up and went for a two and a half mile walk with Shelby. Shelby could barely keep up near the end. Then I did a load of laundry. Then took a shower. Then I unpacked clothes that have been laying on the futon in the living room for a month. Then I put away clothes in my bedroom that had been around longer than that. Then I cleared off the kitchen counter and washed it. Then I vacuumed the floors and cleaned up a big potted plant disaster made by Pounce. Then I dusted. Then I made a dip for the Superbowl party I was to attend. Then I did some grocery shopping. Then I watched and enjoyed the Superbowl. If this sounds like a normal day to you, then a little part of me hates you. Because this was more than I have dreamed of accomplishing in the last several months. Some days taking a shower is a chore and so it doesn't get done. I've lost ten pounds because of my lack of appetite and my lack of energy to get up and make anything edible. I can't remember the last time I've felt so happy. For no apparent reason. Also, I didn't need a nap.
On my walk I prayed that spring would come soon. (Hurrah for global warming, at least where I live.)
Today I'm tired and I have a sty in my eye. But I didn't dread coming to work this morning. And I have hope that I will feel happy again. That was gone for awhile, folks. Just a couple of weeks ago I was telling my step-dad that I was having to deal with the idea that I may never be happy again. And to have one day of happiness was like the sun breaking through the clouds of a hurricane.
I think at least part of it was lowering my medication-I'm down to 30 mgs. The fatigue caused by the 50 mgs was as bad as depression. Now I know that not every day will be good, and I can't let myself expect that, but I can hope that some days will be good. And one might just hit me out of the blue.
"You walk in a room, you look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself, it's been awhile since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope." -Sara Groves
2 comments:
Until I read your Sara Groves quote just now I always thought she sang "But it feels like it might be home." Knowing now that it's hope and not home, though, doesn't change my overall understanding of the line. Home. Hope. They have a lot in common. I'm glad for you and your great day.
As I was reading your post I was reminded of that Sara song, and I wondered if you'd heard it, and I was about to comment about it to you, then I scrolled and saw the end of your post and look there you had quoted from the song. Nice. It's good. And I'm glad you're seeing hope again.
Here's to spring.
Post a Comment