A poem I've been meaning to write for six years

A silent white fortress.
It seems solid, impenetrable,
but is so easily
pierced by my fork.
All the gravy pours out.

In the news

Michael can be seen shaking hands with Obama in a video on abcnews.com. It's in the Clinton Campaign at a Crossroads video at around the 3:30 mark. Woot!

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4609671&affil=wpvi

101 posts

For my one-hundred and first post I will tell you about Brian Regan. Most of you readers know who he is, you know, the "take luck" guy. Perhaps you, like me, nearly peed your pants the first time you heard him. Or had to pull your car off the road so as not to have an accident from laughing so hard while driving. Perhaps you slip little comments into your daily conversations that make you laugh, but confuse others. "Many much moosen." My students think their English teacher has lost her grammatical sense. Perhaps you call other Regan fans when you see two log trucks pass each other going opposite directions. Hey, it's been known to happen. In any case, Brian Regan has brought a lot of laughs to my life, and hopefully to yours as well.

Of course, one of the things that I appreciate about Regan is that he doesn't need "dirty" words to make his comedic stylings hilarious. Many comedians use these words alot. For shock value? I'm not sure what exactly what makes curse words funny, but Regan doesn't need them.

So being the Brian Regan fans that we are, when we heard he would be in the area, we snapped up our tickets. We drove to Scranton, (double-bonus, home of The Office!) the Electric City, with our friends Mark and Candace. There were probably about 2,000 people in the theater, so thank goodness we got orchestra seats, because his humor is definitely partially physical. Not totally necessary, as you know from the cd, but it certainly adds to the experience. Anyway, we totally enjoyed the experience. There were several times when I couldn't breathe because I was laughing so hard. Also adding to my enjoyment was the guy in the row in front of me and a couple seats over who was enjoying the show perhaps more than I. He was having convulsions. After Regan left the stage we gave him a standing ovation, so he came back. People (ok, I did it) yelled random phrases from his former acts and he would then do that particular bit. He made comment that part of humor is the surprise element, but he got some of his biggest laughs from those old jokes that everyone knew. At one point he just started an old bit and from the first phrase I was laughing uncontrollably. And who knew his dad was from Scranton? So all in all, a hilarious time. I highly recommend that if you get to see this comic genius in person you do so.

Also, Leslie has been visiting this weekend. Which is fabulous. And we got her addicted to The Office. We watched pretty much all day yesterday, only taking breaks to eat and play a little Dutch Blitz. It's always great to have Leslie around. She makes me feel good about myself and at home. I know, I'm already in my home, but she makes it more comfortable. I also highly recommend a visit from Leslie. And in other news, in case you hadn't heard, James and Linsey had their baby, Micah James, on April 2, Leslie's birthday. So hurray for that.

I believe...

In the last few days I've noticed what I believe to be actual green grass. And a couple of trees are starting to look greenish around the edges. I'm starting to think that spring really might come this year.

Best Monday Ever

So I haven't talked about this on my blog yet, but Michael's been campaigning for Obama. He went out and signed up voters and then he canvassed, and basically, has been getting really involved. I don't know if any of you knew Michael 6 1/2 years ago, but he was an uninvolved Republican. Then we argued about stuff a lot. Then finally I brought him over to my side. Now he's a really involved Democrat. I've created a (good) monster. Anyway, I'm really proud of him. However, I was beginning to miss him and resent the campaign for taking away my husband.

Until today. At about 3:00 this afternoon Michael came into my office and said, "There's a 90% chance that Obama will be in Reading in 30 minutes, do you want to go?" So I unplugged my computer, we ran home, I got my camera and we drove like a bat out of hell to get there in time. It seemed like we hit every red light, and of course the schools were getting out right at that time of day... Anyway, we got there in time. We went into this little diner and got a table in the back. And waited. Everyone there was so excited, and wearing an Obama button. After 15 or 20 minutes a big bus pulled up and the crowd went wild. All the security and reporters came into this tiny restaurant, and then Obama came in. He just said a few sentences, thank you for your support, etc. Then he walked around and shook everyone's hand. So he came up to Michael and asked how he was, what was his name, where did he go to school... So Michael corrected him and said that he's not a student, he's a teacher. Obama remarked how young Michael looked. Then he moved on to me. I got to shake Obama's hand! He asked me how I was, what my name is, what I do. He remaked about how young I look. He had a nice firm handshake. Although his hand seemed small. It was quite an exciting moment.

Then I looked behind me and there was this older gentleman in a trenchcoat. He looked strangely familiar. I asked Michael, "Is that Dan Rather?" He said, "I don't know." So I convinced him to go ask. Michael, "Are you who I think you are?" Dan Rather, "That depends who you think I am, I'm Dan Rather." So Dan Rather was very nice and we got our pictures with him. He was kind of like a grandfather. Friendly, and joking a little and just kind. He told me it was an honor to meet me. What a nice guy. So here follow some photos and maybe a video-if it will work with me. Of our exciting moments in the presence of (hopefully) our future president. And Dan Rather.

Supercalifabulous

My siblings have been visiting in the last week. Kirk came and went and came again and went again. Christa came and stayed for awhile and then went. We had a good time together. It's interesting how those sibling bonds stick even when you don't see each other very often. It's so easy to be together and feels so natural and we easily slip back into our childhood roles, good or bad. Hopefully, we don't slip all the way back.

We made the journey to Hawk Mountain, which is the first sanctuary made for predatory birds. One can see many birds there in the fall because of migratory patterns, and before it was made into a sanctuary, 3,000-5,000 birds were killed in the area every year. One book called it one of the top 50 places to go bird watching before you die. And since we come from a family of birders, we went. We saw some vultures, but no other birds of prey. Apparently September to early December is the best time to come. However, we did get to see the River of Rocks, which is basically what it sounds like. In some ice age or another, a glacier moved down the valley, and left in its wake a river formation of rocks. We could see it from probably a mile above. It was quite impressive. Then we hiked down to a boulder field which was pretty cool also.

I made fruit soup and black bean soup and Christa and I made crepes. So we ate well, even without a mother to make the food for us. Kirk left on Sunday, and Christa and I went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. It was amazing. We both loved it. Of course, we grew up on the movie, so the similar parts were enjoyable, but they also added new songs and scenes from the books that were great too. They developed the Mrs. Banks character nicely and Bert was great. There were a few parts that we wished they had included from the movie, but they were small and definitely not necessary. And they really went all out, the set and costumes were fantastic, the singing-fabulous, the dancing was beyond my words. Mary actually lost a shoe into the audience at one point. Mary flew and Bert danced on the ceiling. So I highly recommend it. Of the seven shows I've seen, it was definitely one of the biggest, most colorful and amazing. Probably this one and Wicked were the most amazing.



So now back to the grind stone. I am starting to believe that spring will come. And trying to accept that it will probably still snow again. And that I'll probably live here for at least one more year. Sometimes I don't understand why God puts me in a place where it's so cold and so far from family and friends, things that make it more difficult to maintain emotional stability. But I hope and want to believe that God has a reason for it. Maybe it's the thorn in my side. It's a fight that I may never win, my struggle, my cross to bear. I don't want to believe that I may never be well on my own, but there's a lesson in that too. Learning to depend wholly on God, leaning on others and learning to ask for the help I need. I hate that.

Pounce is getting spayed today. I hope she doesn't hate me when she comes back. I want her to still be my happy little cat.

God Loves That Guy

..

Oh, alright

We arrived in Louisville just in time for the snow storm. I got out of there like a bat out of hell in order to reach Nashville before I got snowed in. The irony was that last weekend in PA, it was in the 50s. Oh well, it was great to be with family. And as it snowed on Friday night, we sat around the fire, turned out the lights, watched the snow fall and talked about grandma. Other things too, but a lot about grandma. That sadness just lingers. I keep having dreams about her in which she is alive, which seems weird to me, but I suppose it's just my mind catching up to reality and letting itself grieve when I don't always let myself do it consciously.

So I spent a few lovely days in Nashville, then Michael and I headed to Gatlinburg where we enjoyed the great outdoors, the pancake pantry (raspberry, wildberry and peach crepes. Oh. My. Goodness. I wanted to cry, they were so good. And I don't like pancakes.), our time share (we had a kitchen, dining area, living room, bedroom with huge jacuzzi, separate bathroom, and a balcony that looked out into the woods and a little streamlet) and each other. It's really nice to spend time together after boarding school. It kind of reminds us why we got married in the first place. We actually like each other. Imagine.

While in Nashville with the family we made delicious brunches. For one of these I made fruit soup. It was my second attempt, and I have to tell you, I think I'm only getting better at it. And it was good the first time. Christa made hashbrowns in the wafflemaker with nice spices and stuff. The day before, Dino made snow ice cream, and mom and Christa made crepes. It was some good eatin'. We also went to Radnor Lake on a cold Saturday and saw some deer. Some people played with the snow. I did not.


On the trail

Little ol' me

Deer!

Fruit soup

Our early Easter Brunch

Now we're home again, and that's nice too. And only a quarter left until school is over. I'm not sure how three-fourths of the school year got by so quickly, but it seems to be true. Still, I'm preparing myself for it to snow again. Because it probably will. But I can imagine spring after seeing some things turning green and/or blooming down south. Winter might not last forever, after all.

Dreaming

Yesterday it was all sunny - the second day in a row. And almost all the snow melted. And I felt melty inside too. Happy that maybe, possibly winter would end soon. So this morning when I woke up, looked outside and saw big, fluffy snowflakes my heart broke. Seriously. I started crying. I hate Pennsylvania. I want to move south. Maybe if I were schizophrenic I could imagine that I lived somewhere else and pretend that place was warm. I would probably get frostbite. But so far it doesn't seem that I'm schizophrenic. We won't totally dismiss the possibility though.

So yesterday whilst writing an email to Ben I realized that I should keep track of all my dreams right now, because lately my dreams have been very vivid and a little crazy. So I started keeping a log. Here's a snippet from my last few nights.
~~~~~~
Feb 21, 2008 -- Last night I had a dream in which I gave a persuasive speech about why Barack Obama should be president. I received a standing ovation. Then Ben and I danced and sang to "I will go down with this ship." Then Ben did a cartwheel/round-off combo. We also stopped and saw several of our married friends, all of whom had babies. Some cuter than others. All of this was on Union's campus and Justin was there too. (But the teacher in the persuasive speech setting was Mrs. G, and she was definitely not for Obama.)

Feb 23 -- I had a dream that my grandma was in assisted living in Nashville and mom took me to see her. I helped feed her even though she could do it herself, and she was talking to me, and was all lively, much more so than the last times I saw her. The whole time I kept thinking, "this is so weird because she's dead."

Feb 24 -- I dreamed that Leslie, Sissel and I were going on a road trip, and then Athena showed up as a surprise. And she was so small that she had hidden in her luggage and had it delivered to Sissel's door. Also, for a time, my car was invisible because I had left it in drive when I got out of it.

Feb 25 – DM's dad was observing my class and my students were being really bad. Half of them weren’t there, the others wouldn’t listen to me. He told me that some of my students had been talking about plagiarizing their book reports off of myspace.
~~~~~~
So if I've told you any of my dreams in the last few weeks/months let me know so that I can write them down.

Those are milder and less stress-inducing than my dreams of a month or so ago. So I take that as a good sign.

The soundtrack for this post is The Cranberries "Dreams." In case you were wondering

Title:

I don't feel like blogging. But I feel like I should. So here's the update: I'm still feeling emotionally a lot better. Which if great. Still, I'm ready for spring. We have about six inches of snow today. Which, if you know me at all, is not a good thing to my way of thinking. Although it does heighten the chance of the daffodils I planted two weeks ago having a chance to bloom.

I'm a little sick today. Sore throat, headache, congestion... A lot of the kids at school have been sick, so I've just been waiting for it to hit me. I had hoped that I would escape, but it doesn't look that way. I slept through work this morning, but made it for the afternoon.

Our principal is leaving. This makes us sad and apprehensive about the future.

We bought our tickets to London and from Rome. We scheduled our hotel for a week in Italy. So we're officially going to Europe this summer, barring any unhappy circumstances. I think with all the deaths in my family lately I just feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I don't make any long-term plans without thinking about the possibility of having to break them for a funeral. Hence travel insurance.

And spring break begins in a week and a half... I can make it that long. I believe.

Time flies

Six and a half years ago Michael asked me to be his girlfriend. Four years ago, on a very cold snowy day in Valentine, Nebraska, he asked me to be his wife. A lot of things have happened since then, some bad, mostly good. I'm sure glad I said yes.

Recent photos

One of my birthday roses


The Schafer girls


Michael in the Christmas spirit


Schafer kids and spouses


Pounce is very smart


And she likes to sit in the sink


Shelby is smart too

What the...

So in the last few days I've been attacked by ridiculous back pain. I'm accustomed to back pain. It comes and goes. Actually, usually it comes and stays. But Thursday morning I woke up and I could barely move it hurt so bad. I used my electric heating pad pretty much all day, took a hot shower, mostly aimed at the bad spot, and had enough relief that I could sleep fairly well that night.

Friday and Saturday I was constantly aware of where the pain was, but it was much diminished from what it had been. Then, Saturday night at Target (which is a happy place for me), it struck with a vengeance. I got home and put on the heating pad, tried many different positions (feet in the air for less pressure on my spine, etc.), took a hot bath, none of which worked. Some of those positions proved to be very painful. So painful that it hurt to breathe. So now I wonder if I somehow broke a rib back there without knowing it. Or maybe there's a tumor growing there. Sleeping last night was tricky. Frequently waking up because of the pain, slowly and carefully changing positions to get back to sleep.

I'm up again, the pain isn't quite as bad as last night. Still using that heating pad. Wondering if I should get x-rays or a cat scan or something. Because this is just not normal. What in the world?

Maybe after I write the post I'll come up with a title.

This week has been good. Not superdy-duper awesome good. But good. I haven't had a really bad day yet. Some tiredness. Apparently, coming off of 50 mgs gives me more energy, but also takes away my ability to sleep for long periods of time. But it is nice to have energy. Really nice. I'm almost caught up on my grading. (!) And I don't want to go to bed before I get home from work.

So, on Tuesday, in class one of my students said, "You're in a good mood today, aren't you, Mrs. Shofner?" And I said (a little surprised) "Yeah, I guess I am." I feel bad that my students had to suffer with me through most of this year. Hopefully things will be better for all of us from here on out.

Also, hurrah for Super Tuesday! McCain did well, and if I had to vote for a Republican, he would be one of a very short list that I would feel semi-okay about. And Obama proved that he is a viable candidate. And many more Democrats voted than Republicans, over all. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside with the hope that our country will be different soon. I hope not to be terribly disappointed.

"What is honored in a country will be cultivated there." - Plato (meat, beer, entertainment and war?)

While I'm dreaming of moving south, we're planning on staying here for at least one more year. We like the school. Even if Pennsylvania itself makes me die inside. And I like my job most of the time, which cannot be said of all jobs I've had. Notably one that I had in Kentucky. Yeah.

My mother-in-law is coming to visit in a week. I'm trying not to be stressed.

I need to take my animals to the vet.

I planted some daffodil bulbs yesterday. I didn't have energy to do so in the fall when I should have. So I hope that they'll bloom, despite my negligence.

I got up to level 51 on freerice the other day. This was surprising, because previously there were only 50 levels. Now, apparently there are 55. I haven't gotten past 51 yet.

I think I'm getting carpel tunnel from playing too many computer games. This started over homeleave. Maybe I should get a life.

Out of the blue

Inexplicably, yesterday I woke up and felt good. I woke with thoughts of what I could do. So I got up and went for a two and a half mile walk with Shelby. Shelby could barely keep up near the end. Then I did a load of laundry. Then took a shower. Then I unpacked clothes that have been laying on the futon in the living room for a month. Then I put away clothes in my bedroom that had been around longer than that. Then I cleared off the kitchen counter and washed it. Then I vacuumed the floors and cleaned up a big potted plant disaster made by Pounce. Then I dusted. Then I made a dip for the Superbowl party I was to attend. Then I did some grocery shopping. Then I watched and enjoyed the Superbowl. If this sounds like a normal day to you, then a little part of me hates you. Because this was more than I have dreamed of accomplishing in the last several months. Some days taking a shower is a chore and so it doesn't get done. I've lost ten pounds because of my lack of appetite and my lack of energy to get up and make anything edible. I can't remember the last time I've felt so happy. For no apparent reason. Also, I didn't need a nap.

On my walk I prayed that spring would come soon. (Hurrah for global warming, at least where I live.)

Today I'm tired and I have a sty in my eye. But I didn't dread coming to work this morning. And I have hope that I will feel happy again. That was gone for awhile, folks. Just a couple of weeks ago I was telling my step-dad that I was having to deal with the idea that I may never be happy again. And to have one day of happiness was like the sun breaking through the clouds of a hurricane.

I think at least part of it was lowering my medication-I'm down to 30 mgs. The fatigue caused by the 50 mgs was as bad as depression. Now I know that not every day will be good, and I can't let myself expect that, but I can hope that some days will be good. And one might just hit me out of the blue.

"You walk in a room, you look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself, it's been awhile since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope." -Sara Groves

On a different note

Today's walk to work was wild and windy. I don't know how fast the wind was moving, but it blew my laptop case off my shoulder twice (don't worry, it didn't hit the ground, and I'm typing on it right now), and sometimes it didn't feel like I was making very much progress. It was quite a workout. I was out of breath when I finally reached the doors of the ad building. Also, there were little snow/ice (snice) pellets hitting me in the face. I'm ready for spring. Also, I've decided that for today, I won't draw any analogies of my walk to my life. It's just too depressing to put into words.

So in other news, I gave Pounce her first and second baths. She did not like them. But she looks funny when she's all wet. She's much scrawnier than she appears when she's fluffed out. Also, I took a bath last night, and when I stood up, I fell over. Hit my elbows on the rim of the tub. That's kind of disturbing. I'm like an old person who falls in the tub. I should get some of those railings to steady myself or something. Also, my elbows are bruised now.

I have a knot in my back that constantly feels like someone is stabbing me there. It almost feels electric. I haven't been to the massage therapist in a month and a half and I'm falling apart. It could also have something to do with sleeping on floors, air mattresses, airport chairs and several different planes. And one long and interesting night in LaGuardia airport in which I tried to sleep on a luggage cart. Mostly unsuccessfully. So I'm ready to get a massage and sleep in my own bed for more than a week at a time.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

(come on!)

This weekend we had a surprise birthday get-together for my brother. He turned 30. How did that happen? So it was a Nashville extravaganza. It was really good to be together for a happy reason. Although it was good to be together at Christmas, it was still sad, and then we were together for the funeral, but... yeah. So it's good to celebrate. Good to commemorate the good times as well as the bad. So we made lefsa, had good food, long talks and walks. And really, that's about it. And looking back, that was just about perfect.

Lately it seems like we only see each other for funerals. In the last year and a half I've lost four grandparents and a great-grandmother. All of this has prompted me to work on my family tree. There's some sense of urgency in me to know where I came from before it all disappears. I sure wish I had kept all the information from when I made family trees in high school. But what-ifs serve little or no purpose.

So I'm back to work. But only for three days, homeleave begins on Wednesday, and even though I haven't really been here in the last week and a half, I need a break. Some time to sit at home and rest and to be with Michael, who I haven't seen much lately. Some time to catch up on grading. And maybe on reading. I've only finished one book since the beginning of December. But I've also lost about 10 pounds since Thanksgiving. My medication has a lot of side effects-fatigue, lack of focus, loss of appetite... Some are bad and some are not as bad. Losing ten pounds is not so bad.

A few recent quotes of note:

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

If I owned Hell and Texas, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. -U.S. General Philip Henry Sheridan

Loss

I've been talking to my mom everyday. Wondering what the lastest update on my grandma is. Waiting is hard for me. I'm a planner. So when she called on Thursday to say that it could be minutes or hours, I bought my plane ticket and flew to Florida on the same day. I felt better just to have a purpose and to be together with the people who knew and loved my amazing grandmother.

She held on longer than we expected. She was always stronger than she looked. A little lady who walked on glaciers and the Great Wall of China. Who rode the log flume just four years ago with Kirk. Who lived through the depression, two hard marriages, and who lived her unfulfilled dreams through her children and grandchildren. Who made us many blankets and dresses and nightgowns, and poured her creativity and love into every gift she gave. She died around noon on Friday. I didn't go to see her, I said my goodbye at Christmas. I didn't want to remember her in pain. The woman that she had shrunk to, who could no longer speak, walk or eat was not my grandma. She's been leaving us for years. She was still a wonderful woman, but she was disappearing.

When we left the viewing tonight and I looked at my grandma for the last time on this earth, it was hard to walk away. This is not how it should be. It's wrong to leave a woman alone who would have so loved to be with all of us. Who would want to laugh and joke and play with us.

Tomorrow is the memorial service. Tuesday I go back home and my mom and aunt go to Lincoln to bury my grandma with her parents, her younger brother, and her niece. It's good to know she's at peace. When I see her again she will be herself, not the shadow. And I'll miss her until then.

quarter

You know how when you have a dollar and then you spend a quarter-like for a gumball or something, the rest of your 75 cents just seems to get lost. Maybe you get a candy bar or lose a quarter through a hole in your pocket. Then your dollar's gone. I'm trying not to believe that turning 25 is like that.

Despite that sneaking suspicion, I had a really good birthday. Michael had a quiz in his Junior Bible class where all the questions were about me. If they got a question right they got to bring me a rose. So I got 25 roses from my students. Then Michael gave me five to grow on. The art teacher said that Michael must be the sweetest husband ever. I pretty much agree. Especially since he doesn't really care about birthdays-but he knows I do, so he always tries to make it special for me. So other than that I got a lot of books. Which, of course, I liked. We went out to eat with some friends then watched Charlie Wilson's War, which I thought was well done. By the time I got home I was too tired to have ice cream cake.

Did I mention that I'm on the highest dose of antidepressant that they give and it makes me reeeaaallly tired? Yeah. I'm working through that.

In other news, they finally delivered our luggage on Monday morning, around 3:30. So far, everything seems to be where it should be. That was a good birthday present-just to have all my stuff. I didn't want to lose all of my clothes twice in one year.

My new favorite thing is when Pounce comes up to me and pushes her little wet nose into my face and licks me. She's been very sweet since we came back. She missed me.

My grandma was released into hospice care, and the doctors said it could take up to 2-3 weeks for her to die, but it could be any time really. So that's a little stressful, we're all trying to figure out when we should be there and feeling guilty about not being there. But we can't just stop our lives indefinitely. So I'm trying not to live in fear. God is good.

Home again

We're back in PA. We had a really nice vacation in Florida with my family and then Justin and Shelli. I didn't want it to end. 80 degree weather sounds good to me. It made me think I could live in Florida. To get home we traveled by rental car, airplane, moving sidewalk, airport tram, train, subway, bus, our own car, and of course, by foot. It was quite a trek, and we don't have our luggage yet. We're crossing our fingers and hoping to see it today or tomorrow. Hopefully before I have to go back to work, or pack up and go back to Florida.

My grandma is dying. It's probably a matter of hours or days. She had kidney failure that cause a heart attack. So she's been in the hospital, but we'd like for her to be able to go back to the home she's been living in to die there. We had some nice time with her while we were there. She knew all of us and could respond to some of our questions, which was really more than we had hoped for. She has always been a generous, loving, self-denying woman who lived her dreams through her two daughters and three grandchildren. I will miss her, but I'm glad that she won't have to live in pain much longer. God is ministering to me through music, Michael and Pounce today as I wait for the phone call.

It has been a very blessed break.

This is me today.