Oh, alright

We arrived in Louisville just in time for the snow storm. I got out of there like a bat out of hell in order to reach Nashville before I got snowed in. The irony was that last weekend in PA, it was in the 50s. Oh well, it was great to be with family. And as it snowed on Friday night, we sat around the fire, turned out the lights, watched the snow fall and talked about grandma. Other things too, but a lot about grandma. That sadness just lingers. I keep having dreams about her in which she is alive, which seems weird to me, but I suppose it's just my mind catching up to reality and letting itself grieve when I don't always let myself do it consciously.

So I spent a few lovely days in Nashville, then Michael and I headed to Gatlinburg where we enjoyed the great outdoors, the pancake pantry (raspberry, wildberry and peach crepes. Oh. My. Goodness. I wanted to cry, they were so good. And I don't like pancakes.), our time share (we had a kitchen, dining area, living room, bedroom with huge jacuzzi, separate bathroom, and a balcony that looked out into the woods and a little streamlet) and each other. It's really nice to spend time together after boarding school. It kind of reminds us why we got married in the first place. We actually like each other. Imagine.

While in Nashville with the family we made delicious brunches. For one of these I made fruit soup. It was my second attempt, and I have to tell you, I think I'm only getting better at it. And it was good the first time. Christa made hashbrowns in the wafflemaker with nice spices and stuff. The day before, Dino made snow ice cream, and mom and Christa made crepes. It was some good eatin'. We also went to Radnor Lake on a cold Saturday and saw some deer. Some people played with the snow. I did not.


On the trail

Little ol' me

Deer!

Fruit soup

Our early Easter Brunch

Now we're home again, and that's nice too. And only a quarter left until school is over. I'm not sure how three-fourths of the school year got by so quickly, but it seems to be true. Still, I'm preparing myself for it to snow again. Because it probably will. But I can imagine spring after seeing some things turning green and/or blooming down south. Winter might not last forever, after all.

Dreaming

Yesterday it was all sunny - the second day in a row. And almost all the snow melted. And I felt melty inside too. Happy that maybe, possibly winter would end soon. So this morning when I woke up, looked outside and saw big, fluffy snowflakes my heart broke. Seriously. I started crying. I hate Pennsylvania. I want to move south. Maybe if I were schizophrenic I could imagine that I lived somewhere else and pretend that place was warm. I would probably get frostbite. But so far it doesn't seem that I'm schizophrenic. We won't totally dismiss the possibility though.

So yesterday whilst writing an email to Ben I realized that I should keep track of all my dreams right now, because lately my dreams have been very vivid and a little crazy. So I started keeping a log. Here's a snippet from my last few nights.
~~~~~~
Feb 21, 2008 -- Last night I had a dream in which I gave a persuasive speech about why Barack Obama should be president. I received a standing ovation. Then Ben and I danced and sang to "I will go down with this ship." Then Ben did a cartwheel/round-off combo. We also stopped and saw several of our married friends, all of whom had babies. Some cuter than others. All of this was on Union's campus and Justin was there too. (But the teacher in the persuasive speech setting was Mrs. G, and she was definitely not for Obama.)

Feb 23 -- I had a dream that my grandma was in assisted living in Nashville and mom took me to see her. I helped feed her even though she could do it herself, and she was talking to me, and was all lively, much more so than the last times I saw her. The whole time I kept thinking, "this is so weird because she's dead."

Feb 24 -- I dreamed that Leslie, Sissel and I were going on a road trip, and then Athena showed up as a surprise. And she was so small that she had hidden in her luggage and had it delivered to Sissel's door. Also, for a time, my car was invisible because I had left it in drive when I got out of it.

Feb 25 – DM's dad was observing my class and my students were being really bad. Half of them weren’t there, the others wouldn’t listen to me. He told me that some of my students had been talking about plagiarizing their book reports off of myspace.
~~~~~~
So if I've told you any of my dreams in the last few weeks/months let me know so that I can write them down.

Those are milder and less stress-inducing than my dreams of a month or so ago. So I take that as a good sign.

The soundtrack for this post is The Cranberries "Dreams." In case you were wondering

Title:

I don't feel like blogging. But I feel like I should. So here's the update: I'm still feeling emotionally a lot better. Which if great. Still, I'm ready for spring. We have about six inches of snow today. Which, if you know me at all, is not a good thing to my way of thinking. Although it does heighten the chance of the daffodils I planted two weeks ago having a chance to bloom.

I'm a little sick today. Sore throat, headache, congestion... A lot of the kids at school have been sick, so I've just been waiting for it to hit me. I had hoped that I would escape, but it doesn't look that way. I slept through work this morning, but made it for the afternoon.

Our principal is leaving. This makes us sad and apprehensive about the future.

We bought our tickets to London and from Rome. We scheduled our hotel for a week in Italy. So we're officially going to Europe this summer, barring any unhappy circumstances. I think with all the deaths in my family lately I just feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I don't make any long-term plans without thinking about the possibility of having to break them for a funeral. Hence travel insurance.

And spring break begins in a week and a half... I can make it that long. I believe.

Time flies

Six and a half years ago Michael asked me to be his girlfriend. Four years ago, on a very cold snowy day in Valentine, Nebraska, he asked me to be his wife. A lot of things have happened since then, some bad, mostly good. I'm sure glad I said yes.

Recent photos

One of my birthday roses


The Schafer girls


Michael in the Christmas spirit


Schafer kids and spouses


Pounce is very smart


And she likes to sit in the sink


Shelby is smart too

What the...

So in the last few days I've been attacked by ridiculous back pain. I'm accustomed to back pain. It comes and goes. Actually, usually it comes and stays. But Thursday morning I woke up and I could barely move it hurt so bad. I used my electric heating pad pretty much all day, took a hot shower, mostly aimed at the bad spot, and had enough relief that I could sleep fairly well that night.

Friday and Saturday I was constantly aware of where the pain was, but it was much diminished from what it had been. Then, Saturday night at Target (which is a happy place for me), it struck with a vengeance. I got home and put on the heating pad, tried many different positions (feet in the air for less pressure on my spine, etc.), took a hot bath, none of which worked. Some of those positions proved to be very painful. So painful that it hurt to breathe. So now I wonder if I somehow broke a rib back there without knowing it. Or maybe there's a tumor growing there. Sleeping last night was tricky. Frequently waking up because of the pain, slowly and carefully changing positions to get back to sleep.

I'm up again, the pain isn't quite as bad as last night. Still using that heating pad. Wondering if I should get x-rays or a cat scan or something. Because this is just not normal. What in the world?

Maybe after I write the post I'll come up with a title.

This week has been good. Not superdy-duper awesome good. But good. I haven't had a really bad day yet. Some tiredness. Apparently, coming off of 50 mgs gives me more energy, but also takes away my ability to sleep for long periods of time. But it is nice to have energy. Really nice. I'm almost caught up on my grading. (!) And I don't want to go to bed before I get home from work.

So, on Tuesday, in class one of my students said, "You're in a good mood today, aren't you, Mrs. Shofner?" And I said (a little surprised) "Yeah, I guess I am." I feel bad that my students had to suffer with me through most of this year. Hopefully things will be better for all of us from here on out.

Also, hurrah for Super Tuesday! McCain did well, and if I had to vote for a Republican, he would be one of a very short list that I would feel semi-okay about. And Obama proved that he is a viable candidate. And many more Democrats voted than Republicans, over all. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside with the hope that our country will be different soon. I hope not to be terribly disappointed.

"What is honored in a country will be cultivated there." - Plato (meat, beer, entertainment and war?)

While I'm dreaming of moving south, we're planning on staying here for at least one more year. We like the school. Even if Pennsylvania itself makes me die inside. And I like my job most of the time, which cannot be said of all jobs I've had. Notably one that I had in Kentucky. Yeah.

My mother-in-law is coming to visit in a week. I'm trying not to be stressed.

I need to take my animals to the vet.

I planted some daffodil bulbs yesterday. I didn't have energy to do so in the fall when I should have. So I hope that they'll bloom, despite my negligence.

I got up to level 51 on freerice the other day. This was surprising, because previously there were only 50 levels. Now, apparently there are 55. I haven't gotten past 51 yet.

I think I'm getting carpel tunnel from playing too many computer games. This started over homeleave. Maybe I should get a life.

Out of the blue

Inexplicably, yesterday I woke up and felt good. I woke with thoughts of what I could do. So I got up and went for a two and a half mile walk with Shelby. Shelby could barely keep up near the end. Then I did a load of laundry. Then took a shower. Then I unpacked clothes that have been laying on the futon in the living room for a month. Then I put away clothes in my bedroom that had been around longer than that. Then I cleared off the kitchen counter and washed it. Then I vacuumed the floors and cleaned up a big potted plant disaster made by Pounce. Then I dusted. Then I made a dip for the Superbowl party I was to attend. Then I did some grocery shopping. Then I watched and enjoyed the Superbowl. If this sounds like a normal day to you, then a little part of me hates you. Because this was more than I have dreamed of accomplishing in the last several months. Some days taking a shower is a chore and so it doesn't get done. I've lost ten pounds because of my lack of appetite and my lack of energy to get up and make anything edible. I can't remember the last time I've felt so happy. For no apparent reason. Also, I didn't need a nap.

On my walk I prayed that spring would come soon. (Hurrah for global warming, at least where I live.)

Today I'm tired and I have a sty in my eye. But I didn't dread coming to work this morning. And I have hope that I will feel happy again. That was gone for awhile, folks. Just a couple of weeks ago I was telling my step-dad that I was having to deal with the idea that I may never be happy again. And to have one day of happiness was like the sun breaking through the clouds of a hurricane.

I think at least part of it was lowering my medication-I'm down to 30 mgs. The fatigue caused by the 50 mgs was as bad as depression. Now I know that not every day will be good, and I can't let myself expect that, but I can hope that some days will be good. And one might just hit me out of the blue.

"You walk in a room, you look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself, it's been awhile since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope." -Sara Groves

On a different note

Today's walk to work was wild and windy. I don't know how fast the wind was moving, but it blew my laptop case off my shoulder twice (don't worry, it didn't hit the ground, and I'm typing on it right now), and sometimes it didn't feel like I was making very much progress. It was quite a workout. I was out of breath when I finally reached the doors of the ad building. Also, there were little snow/ice (snice) pellets hitting me in the face. I'm ready for spring. Also, I've decided that for today, I won't draw any analogies of my walk to my life. It's just too depressing to put into words.

So in other news, I gave Pounce her first and second baths. She did not like them. But she looks funny when she's all wet. She's much scrawnier than she appears when she's fluffed out. Also, I took a bath last night, and when I stood up, I fell over. Hit my elbows on the rim of the tub. That's kind of disturbing. I'm like an old person who falls in the tub. I should get some of those railings to steady myself or something. Also, my elbows are bruised now.

I have a knot in my back that constantly feels like someone is stabbing me there. It almost feels electric. I haven't been to the massage therapist in a month and a half and I'm falling apart. It could also have something to do with sleeping on floors, air mattresses, airport chairs and several different planes. And one long and interesting night in LaGuardia airport in which I tried to sleep on a luggage cart. Mostly unsuccessfully. So I'm ready to get a massage and sleep in my own bed for more than a week at a time.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

(come on!)

This weekend we had a surprise birthday get-together for my brother. He turned 30. How did that happen? So it was a Nashville extravaganza. It was really good to be together for a happy reason. Although it was good to be together at Christmas, it was still sad, and then we were together for the funeral, but... yeah. So it's good to celebrate. Good to commemorate the good times as well as the bad. So we made lefsa, had good food, long talks and walks. And really, that's about it. And looking back, that was just about perfect.

Lately it seems like we only see each other for funerals. In the last year and a half I've lost four grandparents and a great-grandmother. All of this has prompted me to work on my family tree. There's some sense of urgency in me to know where I came from before it all disappears. I sure wish I had kept all the information from when I made family trees in high school. But what-ifs serve little or no purpose.

So I'm back to work. But only for three days, homeleave begins on Wednesday, and even though I haven't really been here in the last week and a half, I need a break. Some time to sit at home and rest and to be with Michael, who I haven't seen much lately. Some time to catch up on grading. And maybe on reading. I've only finished one book since the beginning of December. But I've also lost about 10 pounds since Thanksgiving. My medication has a lot of side effects-fatigue, lack of focus, loss of appetite... Some are bad and some are not as bad. Losing ten pounds is not so bad.

A few recent quotes of note:

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

If I owned Hell and Texas, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. -U.S. General Philip Henry Sheridan

Loss

I've been talking to my mom everyday. Wondering what the lastest update on my grandma is. Waiting is hard for me. I'm a planner. So when she called on Thursday to say that it could be minutes or hours, I bought my plane ticket and flew to Florida on the same day. I felt better just to have a purpose and to be together with the people who knew and loved my amazing grandmother.

She held on longer than we expected. She was always stronger than she looked. A little lady who walked on glaciers and the Great Wall of China. Who rode the log flume just four years ago with Kirk. Who lived through the depression, two hard marriages, and who lived her unfulfilled dreams through her children and grandchildren. Who made us many blankets and dresses and nightgowns, and poured her creativity and love into every gift she gave. She died around noon on Friday. I didn't go to see her, I said my goodbye at Christmas. I didn't want to remember her in pain. The woman that she had shrunk to, who could no longer speak, walk or eat was not my grandma. She's been leaving us for years. She was still a wonderful woman, but she was disappearing.

When we left the viewing tonight and I looked at my grandma for the last time on this earth, it was hard to walk away. This is not how it should be. It's wrong to leave a woman alone who would have so loved to be with all of us. Who would want to laugh and joke and play with us.

Tomorrow is the memorial service. Tuesday I go back home and my mom and aunt go to Lincoln to bury my grandma with her parents, her younger brother, and her niece. It's good to know she's at peace. When I see her again she will be herself, not the shadow. And I'll miss her until then.

quarter

You know how when you have a dollar and then you spend a quarter-like for a gumball or something, the rest of your 75 cents just seems to get lost. Maybe you get a candy bar or lose a quarter through a hole in your pocket. Then your dollar's gone. I'm trying not to believe that turning 25 is like that.

Despite that sneaking suspicion, I had a really good birthday. Michael had a quiz in his Junior Bible class where all the questions were about me. If they got a question right they got to bring me a rose. So I got 25 roses from my students. Then Michael gave me five to grow on. The art teacher said that Michael must be the sweetest husband ever. I pretty much agree. Especially since he doesn't really care about birthdays-but he knows I do, so he always tries to make it special for me. So other than that I got a lot of books. Which, of course, I liked. We went out to eat with some friends then watched Charlie Wilson's War, which I thought was well done. By the time I got home I was too tired to have ice cream cake.

Did I mention that I'm on the highest dose of antidepressant that they give and it makes me reeeaaallly tired? Yeah. I'm working through that.

In other news, they finally delivered our luggage on Monday morning, around 3:30. So far, everything seems to be where it should be. That was a good birthday present-just to have all my stuff. I didn't want to lose all of my clothes twice in one year.

My new favorite thing is when Pounce comes up to me and pushes her little wet nose into my face and licks me. She's been very sweet since we came back. She missed me.

My grandma was released into hospice care, and the doctors said it could take up to 2-3 weeks for her to die, but it could be any time really. So that's a little stressful, we're all trying to figure out when we should be there and feeling guilty about not being there. But we can't just stop our lives indefinitely. So I'm trying not to live in fear. God is good.

Home again

We're back in PA. We had a really nice vacation in Florida with my family and then Justin and Shelli. I didn't want it to end. 80 degree weather sounds good to me. It made me think I could live in Florida. To get home we traveled by rental car, airplane, moving sidewalk, airport tram, train, subway, bus, our own car, and of course, by foot. It was quite a trek, and we don't have our luggage yet. We're crossing our fingers and hoping to see it today or tomorrow. Hopefully before I have to go back to work, or pack up and go back to Florida.

My grandma is dying. It's probably a matter of hours or days. She had kidney failure that cause a heart attack. So she's been in the hospital, but we'd like for her to be able to go back to the home she's been living in to die there. We had some nice time with her while we were there. She knew all of us and could respond to some of our questions, which was really more than we had hoped for. She has always been a generous, loving, self-denying woman who lived her dreams through her two daughters and three grandchildren. I will miss her, but I'm glad that she won't have to live in pain much longer. God is ministering to me through music, Michael and Pounce today as I wait for the phone call.

It has been a very blessed break.

This is me today.

Did I mention that I hate winter?

A branch on the maple tree in our front yard. Usually it's several feet higher than this.

Grass-sickle anyone?

Ice-laden fir tree

Winter wonderland?

Noone's home.

Had a big ice storm last night/this morning. It took us fifteen minutes to get the car doors open, using boiling water, etc. We wouldn't have ventured outside, but we had Sunday school. There was a bird frozen to a tree on campus. I didn't see it, but all the kids were talking about it. Thankfully the sun is out this afternoon and the ice is falling off the trees, so we may not lose too many more branches.

Boo-yah

Free Rice. Reached level 50 today. Didn't stay there. But still.

Random

No miraculous mood change yet. When I wake up in the morning I use my light and I feel like I have more energy afterward, but I don't feel particularly happy. I'm not feeling the deep sadness of before either. So I'm just kind of minorly depressed. Which I guess is better.

I got more feedback from my students' surveys. And I felt really good about it. I'm starting to think maybe I should be a teacher. But right now I'm just doing this part time-two classes. I can't imagine teaching full-time. So I guess I still don't know what to do with my life.

I caught Pounce halfway up the Christmas tree the other day. Now we have to watch out for that.

Two weeks from tomorrow Christmas vacation begins. That's a little hard to believe. I have no idea how I've gotten halfway through this school year. And second semester always flies by, so I'm practically done with this year. We're going to Florida for Christmas. Maybe the warmer weather and time with family will do the trick.

It keeps snowing here. It's not accumulating. Probably because of the wind. I guess all the snow we had here is probably down in Virginia by now.

I've gotten up to level 48 on freerice. And I've donated more than 80,00 grains of rice.

And that's about it.

Blessings

I have amazing friends. Sometimes I forget, because they're far away, and I'm not really good at staying in touch. But then they remind me. They are generous and thoughtful. And amazing.


Here I am in the light of my new light box. If you know what I'm talking about, thank you. You made my life a better place to be.


And, as promised, pictures of Pounce and the Christmas tree. I think this is quintessential Pounce. Curious and in your face.


Our giant tree.


An angel ornament that I inherited from my grandma. (I love angel ornaments and joy ornaments. You get it, Angela Joy.)


I don't even know where the string came from, but Pounce loves it.

The principal came to observe my class this morning. I think it went alright. I have a counseling appointment tonight and good things to report. I have amazing friends and family. Even when it doesn't feel good, my life is very blessed. Also, if you haven't tried it yet, go to Freerice.com. I'm obsessed. I've donated more than 30,000 grains of rice in the last three days. That's a lot of vocabulary words. And a lot of life avoidance, but I'll deal with that later. At least it's for a good cause.

Where to begin?

This will probably be a ramble, because a lot has happened in two weeks, and I don't feel like sorting it all out.

So two weeks ago, I called the doctor's office and they couldn't get me in because they don't have my records yet from the other doctor's office. That meant no antidepressants. I cried on the phone with them. They didn't give in. I felt very frustrated. Here I am, really trying to do the right things for myself, and no one seemed to be willing to help me.

So the next day I was at my OBGYN to get my birth control shot and I told the nurse administering my shot what I was going through. I seriously broke down right there. I must have been convincing. She got me two prescriptions to hold me over until I can get in at the regular doctor. She was really nice. Here I am crying and hyperventilating and she's saying things like, "That's what we're here on earth for, to help each other." and "You're not crazy, we all go through rough times." So kudos to her, the only medical professional willing to do anything helpful for me.

Parent/teacher conferences went fine. I had to tell one set of parents that their son plagiarized his paper. They weren't happy with him.

The vice principal came to observe my class. I think it went well. We haven't talked about it yet. But I did get the results from my students' surveys. They were very positive. It made me feel like I could be a teacher after all...

It started snowing last Sunday before we started our drive to Louisville. It wasn't really sticking, but it was disappointing anyway. And gross. On our drive back on Saturday there was a lot of snow on the ground in western PA but none here.

I had a nice day with my sister. I think she had a good birthday. I met her new boyfriend, who seems very nice. It was good to be with family, even briefly.

I have a clothing budget of $50 per month. This month I got a pair of shoes, a dress, two shirts, a sweater/jacket, and a pair of capri/gauchos. Boo-yah. And with two dollars to spare.

Caught up on my sleep over the holidays. Still tired. Can't sleep. Should look into getting some Ambien.

Got our Christmas tree yesterday. We had to cut some of the top off so that it didn't hit the ceiling. A big difference over last year's Christmas bush. Pounce loves the tree and wants to climb it and play with the ornaments. Hopefully I'll get out the camera and pictures will follow.

Grades are due tomorrow and I still have grading and lesson planning to do, so I have to get back to work.

Pounce and more

For your viewing enjoyment: more pictures of Pounce. And what's going on in our lives? I can't sleep. I've had a sore throat and a wisdom tooth that is gnawing into my cheek. Which is pretty painful, as you may imagine. The hole in my cheek is kind of gross and impressive. But when I lay on my left side I wake up from the pain of my cheek hole being pushed into my wisdom tooth. I talked to a dentist I know and he's going to give me something to cauterize (sounds scary) the "wound." He said I don't have to have the tooth pulled right now. Which is what I've been worried about. Because I don't have time to have it pulled right now.

Yesterday we had Fall Festival here. I had a good time. I especially enjoyed hearing nice things about my husband. Two parents came up to Michael and told him that their children love his classes and talk about him and their classes. I beamed. It made Michael feel good too. I keep telling him that he's a good teacher and he should just stick it out for awhile. It's good to have reassurement from parents, though, and we don't get that a lot at boarding school. Really, it's good to get reassurement from anyone. Speaking of teaching, I have an administrator coming to observe my class tomorrow. That's stressful. Then sometime I'll have an evaluation. I guess if they tell me I'm a terrible teacher I can know that this is not the career that I got my degree for, and I'll move on to something else and they can just find a different teacher. For two classes. I know people are just falling over themselves to get this job. (cough, cough) Obviously, since they hired me out of desperation. Suckers.

Also, at the end of this week is Parent Weekend. Included in the fun and games are a parent/teacher forum where all the parents and teachers get together and the parents can ask any questions they like to anyone, and parent/teacher conferences. I learned last year that parent/teacher conferences weren't as bad as I feared. I'm hoping that my observation holds true for this year. So far, I only have two parents signed up to talk to me. That would be nice, but I'm sure it won't go down that way.

So that's some of the anxiety that I'm dealing with right now. I'm ready for this week to be over. Actually, I'd like to fast forward to exactly a week from now, when, hopefully, I'll be on my way to Nashville from Louisville to celebrate my sister's birthday. Sigh.



See, Michael's still around.



Shelby is starting to get irritated by Pounce. Pounce pounces on Shelby, especially her tail. Shelby doesn't like this much. Still, they have some sweet moments.



Just an autumnal view.



She's very playful.



I tricked her into climbing in there for a treat and then closed her in, turned the carton right side up, then released her. She didn't like it much, but it made for a cute picture. I put SoftClaws on her so that she can't scratch me or the furniture anymore. A good alternative to declawing. At first she fell alot when trying to jump onto things she used to be able to claw her way up. It was pretty funny. I hope you don't all think I'm a horrible person after this last paragraph. You've gotta take your laughs where you can get them. In case you're worried, I'm still her favorite person, so I must not be too mean.

Pounce de Lion

That's the official name. Whether it will stick or not I'm not sure. Mostly she goes by Pounce. She's 8 1/2 weeks old. She has become quite proficient at climbing legs. So I'm trying to dissuade her from that. Also, she's fascinated by the ceiling fan. She tried to climb up the bed post so that she could attack it. Several times she's fallen asleep on my lap, which is pretty much all I want from my animals. To cuddle. She's also getting quite vocal. If I'm not paying attention to her she wails. And meows. Endlessly until she's picked up. Soon after being picked up she wants to get down and play. Then she starts crying again because I'm not paying attention to her. She's already very good at using the litter box. We seem to have had one accident in the four days we've had her. Much better than Shelby as a puppy. Accidents all over the place.

Speaking of Shelby, she got sprayed by a skunk last night. I want to go back and check my posts from last year, but I think it's almost exactly the same time as when she was sprayed before. This time she didn't get as close and hence was not sprayed nearly as bad. We slathered her in tomato juice, dish soap, doggy shampoo and bubble bath. So far it seems to have worked. But last time, when we came home after letting her in the house we were nearly bowled over by the stench. It's the leaving then coming back that's the real test, so we'll see when we come home for lunch today whether our house seems habitable.

I wore a coat and scarf today. Probably if I weren't walking to work it wouldn't have been totally necessary, but I was and it was pretty cold and windy, of course. I think the weather has probably turned for worse. It's this time of year that I wonder whether I'll make it until April or May. Last April wasn't much good because it still snowed. And May was just OK. So here's to June. When I'll be happy again (I hope). Actually, I'm waiting to get in to see a doctor so that I can get on antidepressants, so it might not take that long to be happy again. We'll have to wait and see.

P.S. I did go back and check old posts and it was a year ago last Saturday night. So next November, remind me not to let Shelby outside at night.

The newest Shofner

We added a member over the weekend.







Shelby loves her. And she mostly ignores Shelby, but sometimes chases her or places with her tail. Sometimes they snuggle up together. She makes me happy. And she doesn't have a name yet (though I'm leaning towards Sadie or Thor) so I'm taking suggestions. We hope she'll grow up and eat lots of mice. (Did I mention we have a bit of a mouse problem?) And she likes me a lot. This morning when I was putting on makeup she meowed and complained that I wasn't paying attention to her. Then she climbed up my leg. Which was painful. But endearing.

Not much to tell

Most of last week was grey and/or rainy. Saturday it started rainy but the sun came out and ever since it's been partly sunny but getting chillier. We had our first frost last night. It was cold walking to work this morning.

I had my first session with a new counselor and I liked her. She seemed to get what's going on in my head and had some insights that hadn't occurred to me yet.

I'm going to try to get in to see a new doctor this week. I've decided that I need to get on antidepressants before winter comes because it's already too hard. And it's not lifting.

Three weeks until Thanksgiving break. Seven and a half weeks until Christmas break. Fortunately I have almost all my Christmas shopping done.

Had a quiet weekend. Read a lot. I'm re-reading The Lord of the Rings. I finished the first two books in less than a week. (anti-social behavior anyone?)

And other than getting through this week, that's about it.

There and back again

Ben came to visit over homeleave. A good time was had by... well, at least me. We had some pretty good food and we saw a good show in New York, among other things.



The naked cowboy. Of all the times I've been to New York, this is the first time I saw him. Given, a lot of the times I've been, it's been about 2o degrees outside. I wouldn't go out in that kind of weather in just my underwear. However I can't think of any time that I would go to Times Square in just my underwear.



Ben and me with all the theater billboards behind us.



And again.



Angela at the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.



Ben at the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.



Both of us at the Bee.



Home



Ben and me (with curly hair) before he left to go back home.



Pretty tree in my front yard.



Pretty leaves.



Me at home. Alone, but with curly hair.

Odd

I found myself happy to put on a light sweater this morning. Maybe it's just because it's almost like having new clothes when it's been so long since I wore it, but still, it was a good feeling. I didn't expect that. The weather has changed. On Tuesday it was so unbearably hot in my office that I left early. Seriously, it was about 86, and my office has no air conditioning or fan or anything in the way of a draft/breeze. Today the high is 59. That's cold to me. Plus there's the Nebraska-esque wind. Still, I was happy to put on my lavender sweater. Weird, huh?

Inspiration

Today is the anniversary of the birth of Eleanor Roosevelt, one of my heroines.

In her honor, a quote. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

She supported suffrage, civil rights and the end of child labor, among other things.

Her example encourages me to be a strong woman.

Reminder to self

This morning as I walked to work a thick fog surrounded me. Halfway through my walk I could see neither my house nor the school. (Usually I can see both.) I couldn't see the mountains beyond the school and the corn fields, which have already been mowed, seemed to drop off into nothing. It looked like the end of the world. Stark and grey. The silhouettes of broken corn stalks stabbing the horizon.

Then I looked up. About 100 feet up the sky was blue. The sun was shining.

It was a good example of what the last couple months have been like. I feel empty and I can't see very far around me, past my own nose, it seems; but if I can get my head up, there is light.

Update

I cleaned off my desk and spent several hours grading.

Something must be better.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"

-Emily Dickinson

You get the idea

It's October. And I'm feeling ok about that, mostly because the high for the next few days is in the 80s. So theoretically I can still get out and walk happily for awhile. I've been walking to and from school as usual, but every day this week I also walked at least the one mile loop near our house. I don't feel better and most days I don't want to do it. But I walk anyway, because I believe that it might be helping, even though I don't feel it. And if it's not helping yet, maybe it will later. And even if it doesn't help my mood, it will help my body. Even if I can't tell that it's helping my body. And I can't tell yet. I believe.

I'm very tired because I have moved on to not sleeping well. I tried some whole vitamin things that were supposed to uplift my mood. Then I read the ingredients and they had bovine ovaries, brain and stomach and porcine heart. I didn't feel ok about that. Lifelong vegetarian. Couldn't handle it. So today I started SAM-e. We'll see.

The highlight of my life right now is the upcoming visit of Ben Yancer. Not to put any pressure on you, Ben. But old friends are the best friends and you're one of my oldest. I bought tickets to a show to see while he's here. I'm excited. I hear there's a lot of audience participation. I like that.

My lower right eyelid is swollen and red and painful. It's not very noticeable, but yet another thing that I should probably go to the doctor for, but probably won't. I didn't even tell you about the last thing, and I'm not going to now.

Michael is on supervision duty this weekend.

Classes continue to go somewhat better. It's a miracle. Cause I sure didn't do anything to change what was happening in there. No initiative. Their first book reports are due next week and I'm already behind in my grading and I'm concerned that I won't be able to get everything done before grades are due. Once again, no initiative.

"I keep wanting you to be fair, but that's not what you said. I want certain answers to these prayers, but that's not what you said." --Sara Groves