Confession

Last night Leslie called me. I looked at my cellphone and didn't recognize the number so I didn't pick it up because I didn't want to take another student to Taco Bell. So as I listened to the voice message, I panicked because it was Leslie calling me. And I accidentally pushed delete in my rush to try to call her back. But my phone hadn't saved her number because I opened the phone to look at the number then closed the phone without answering the call. And when I do that my phone doesn't save the number. I was stupefied (or just stupid). I screamed "NO!" all Monica-esque when she accidentally recorded her message as the outgoing message on Richard's answering machine. (You know what I'm talking about?) Then I wept silently because I missed the call because of my own retardedness. And because I miss Leslie. So I hope Leslie reads this and gets a laugh and someday tries to call me again.

The latest

Avenue Q was hilarious. And inappropriate. And hilarious. Picture me laughing with my mouth wide open in shock at some of the things they said (and did). Oh my word. My favorite song: Everyone's a Little Bit Racist Sometimes

Also, New York cheesecake was, again, amazing.

I think I would like to live in New York for about a month and a half. Get to see everything I want to see and then get the heck out of there before global warming floods Manhattan. (I might even venture into Brooklyn if I lived there for awhile.)

In other happenings: it's beautiful here. I feel so happy all the time because it's warm outside and it's wonderful to be not in the house. I feel like a better person when it's nice outside. Also, the trees are starting to get green on the mountain. Right now it's just the trees at the bottom of the mountain. Ground level. The ones up higher are still looking winterish and drab. Grape Hyacinth are growing randomly in my backyard. Just all over the place. Noone could have planted them there. They're just there. And it makes me happy. I saw tulips blooming today. And the blooming trees are all blooming. I feel full.

Coming soon: alumni weekend. I am not looking forward to this. I think they should hold it somewhere else. Rent a big room somewhere. As it is, we have a lot of cleaning and preparing to do in the library (and everywhere else) this week. Bleh. Still, not annoying enough to keep me from feeling happy about life in general and the weather in specific.

News

I'm posting two days in a row. There must be something wrong, right?

Actually, not at all. We just found out that the school that we were supposed to interview at filled the position without interviewing Michael or calling to tell us that they'd filled the position. So we're staying here. And I feel really good about it. I've just kind of been in limbo for a month or more, not knowing how much I should commit to students and staff here and feeling stressed about it. Then the other school was unprofessional and inconsiderate and I feel happy about staying. So there's relief.

I'm glad because I'll be able to keep going to Broadway shows. I'll be able to make relationships for more than one year, so there's a good possibility for better friendships. I'm glad because I like the students here. (At least most of the time.) I'm glad because I like the administration. There are lots of good things. (I'm ignoring the weather, for the time being.) And I'm glad because I'll get to spend the summer near my family anyway. I'm glad because I'll sleep better now, without that hanging over my head.

That, my friend, is what you call closure.

That which is up

There's snow today. When I looked out the window this morning, the top half of the mountain was white. The bottom half was brown. I was drawn to stare at it like you do when there's an accident on the road. It was terrible to see, but I couldn't look away. Now there's this wet snow blowing in my ears whenever I go outside. I can't see the mountain anymore because of the clouds.

Other than that, things are pretty good. Friday night we went to a Jars of Clay concert, for which Burlap to Cashmere opened. That was my favorite part. And the encore for Jars of Clay was good. They sang quite a few old songs, which are the ones I know anyway. Another band played inbetween. Need To Breathe. Never heard of them. And I still don't know what they sing because they were so loud that I couldn't understand any of the words.

Sunday I ventured out to the outlet malls in Lancaster. Banana Republic, Gap, Skechers, Nine West, J. Crew, Pottery Barn and many, many more. And all I bought were some Harry & David truffles and a gift for my mother-in-law.

I'm looking forward to time off soon and catching up on sleep and maybe cleaning my house. Probably playing games with friends. So good times, basically.

And there's always tomorrow...

Today is better. I don't know why. But it is and I'm grateful. Yesterday when I woke up and realized that I had to teach I almost cried. But then, miraculously, they were quieter than normal, and listened better and did the things I asked (for the most part, they're not angels, after all). I think it was God's prodding, saying, don't give up yet. You still have more than a month to go.

It started snowing last Thursday and snowed on and off through Sunday. Fortunately, for my mental health, it didn't stick. If it had, we would have had quite a bit of snow on the ground because it really snowed a lot. At least it seemed to.

I remember last Easter Sunday laying on our water bed because the heating mechanism wasn't working and it was the only semi-cool place in our house. (It was more than 80 degrees and the air conditioning wasn't working. Also, we lived in a trailer, so the insulation was non-existent.) This year snow. Makes you think they're onto something with all that climate change talk.

Sadly, we're not going to make it out to Union next week as we had hoped. Plane tickets went up into the $350 range. And since we just paid about a thousand dollars in taxes, that's a bit out of our reach right now. So instead I found discounted tickets to see Avenue Q on Broadway next Thursday. Just to cheer us up. It won't make up for missing out on seeing all our friends, for sure.

And the allergies are here. I've had two migraines in the last four days. And I just have a little headache on the verge right now. It's not bad yet, and I have the Advil in my purse, just in case. Also, the phlegm has been constantly in the back of my throat for more than a week. All this and no flowers because it's too damn cold. Pennsylvania (or global warming) is toying with my emotions.

We hope to have news soon about an interview somewhere south of here. So keep that in prayer, if you don't mind. We don't know whether we want to go or not, but it's definitely something that's on our minds.

Anyway, that's all the news that's fit to be published.

Meh

Sorry for the general lack of posting. I've been feeling particularly uninspired. Except to vent about the frustrations of my job, which I don't really want to dwell on in my cyber life, since I already dwell on it in real life. Ben has born the brunt of my exasperation by email in any case.

So it's been quite warm here lately, it got up to 70 yesterday. I sat on the concrete slab in front of our house yesterday just to try to be happy by osmosis from the sun's rays. I don't know if that's what did it or not, but I slept better last night than I have in weeks... maybe months.

I've been trying to remember, in my days of anxiety, that God put me here, specifically, for a reason, and as long as I'm doing my best and relying on Him that He'll work it out. Still, I get angry at my workers when they don't do their work and then I have to do it instead. I get angry when my students are disrespectful in class. I get angry, just basically, when things aren't going my way. How self-centered am I? I am, theoretically, an adult, and should have learned by now that things rarely go the way I want them to go and that really, it's time to get over myself.

Anyway, it leads to me being stressed and not sleeping well. I've had some crazy dreams lately. I've had dreams with people in them that I haven't seen in months or years. People I haven't thought about in months or years. Really vivid dreams. You'd think I'm on drugs or something. And every time this happens I wonder if it's some kind of prompt from God. Should I be praying for them when I wake up from a dream about them? Is this some subliminal kinship? Or am I just on the fritz?

The bad news is that it's supposed to snow this weekend. Which made me cry a little this morning. I really thought we were done now. I've been seeing the piles of snow in the parking lots shrink and turn darker. And rejoicing with their death. If it snows again, I feel like a piece of the joyful me is just going to give up and disappear forever.

I know, I'm overly despondent and dramatic today. I even annoy myself with all the complaining I do. Probably tomorrow I'll be fine.

Random

It's about 75 degrees today. A miracle. I thought the warmth would never come. But daffodils and tulips and maybe crocus are peeking through the ground. Nature has proved my emotions wrong once again. I'm glad.

(Don't tell anyone I said this, but it actually feels a little too warm. Maybe just because I'm wearing pants and longish sleeves. We'll go with that.)

There's a Union recruiter here today and it makes me think I should go for that guaranteed degree. It's free after all, and I love a bargain.

Some things that happened

Spring break was crazy. I went to New York four times and Philadelphia three times. One of the trips to Philadelphia we had to give up on because of a snow storm. We got there and turned around and went right back home. We saw about ten accidents on the way there and back. It's usually a three hour roundtrip, but it took more like six. So that was a barrel of fun. Michael also went to Gettysburg and Washington D.C. but I skipped those trips. One night my mom and Dino and I were in the Philadelphia airport until 2:00 am waiting for Christa to get in. So we didn't get home till 4:00 am. I saw the Daily Show with John Stewart and the Lion King on Broadway and Ellis Island (twice) (and found my great-grandfather's name on the wall) and the Statue of Liberty (twice). I went to Chinatown and Central Park (twice). Found a great little place to buy cheesecakes in New York (twice) and visited the largest mall east of the Mississippi in Philadelphia. Saw Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell. Christa and I led a last minute song service at church when the guy who was supposed to lead song service couldn't make it because of the foot of snow we got the day before. Most of the snow has melted now, but for a couple of days it was quite treacherous. Lots of cars getting stuck in snow banks and people towing us out.

Somehow I managed to grade all the papers that needed to be graded. And I'm getting really good at getting around on the subway in New York. My family was impressed. I've decided that maybe I should be a tour guide. An international tour guide. I'm good with maps and directions. Maybe that's my true calling. My spiritual gift.

Anyway, it's good to be back to my regular crazy schedule, as opposed to the irregular craziness of spring break. I need a vacation.

I should have known.

When I looked outside this morning and saw a fresh blanket of snow on the ground I should have known that today was not the day to have our taxes done. Alas, I didn't think it all through, so we went.

H&R Block says we owe $867.

That hurts.

How does this happen when you don't claim any deductions?

I was hoping with out tax refund to buy a computer, since neither of us currently own one. There goes that dream.

All because I didn't recognize God's warning sign to me: don't do anything of importance when it snows. You'll get screwed.

Because I haven't posted in awhile.

The snow is starting to melt. I'm afraid to say much about because last time I did, it snowed another six inches. I'm starting to imagine what it would be like for spring to be here. I think of green grass and things budding and trees leafing... Anything but white, grey and brown. I have more than enough of those colors. Ready for something new.

My family arrives for a visit a week from today. I'm excited. Also, next Tuesday we're going to go try to see the Daily Show again. This time we have VIP tickets and know how to get there. That should help. Maybe there will be more good Thai food.

Last Sunday I served ice cream to about 120 kids. My index finger, thumb and wrist finally feel better today.

I've been waking up approximately 30-40 times a night. I'm really tired. I'm at that point where lots of things are funny. It's not noon yet. I was that way in class this morning. Someone asked why it was so hot in the classroom and I pointed to myself. Then someone asked what the movie was about and I said, "Your mom." Out loud. In real life. To some inner-city kids. It's the sleep deprivation. The censors are turned off.

I melt

The high for today is 42, a temperature unheard of since the beginning of January. I'm hoping the foot high pile of ice blocking the path to the front door starts to melt. Right now, we're just asking for broken bones every time we enter or exit our abode.

I've read eight books so far this year. They are, in chronological order:

Love Me by Garrison Keillor
The Innocent Man by John Grisham
A Mighty Heart by Mariane Pearl
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
All He Ever Wanted by Anita Shreve
Our Lady of the Forest by David Guterson
Storming Heaven by Denise Giardina
Teacher Man by Frank McCourt

I'm trying to keep up with a book a week. The one I'm starting today is Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. It won the Pulitzer Prize and I've been wanting to buy it for months. I'm excited.

We started a little public speaking in class. I thought I'd start off easy with a 2-3 minute reading. Sadly, no one in my classes listens so they all forgot about it and were just reading random passages from their textbooks. Not the most inspiring class period.

That's about it. I bought a gameboy advance used and am a little obsessed right now. It's really cutting into my reading time. And I'm not sleeping well. Which does not bode well for my mental health. Also, I changed my comment settings so I think it's easier to post comments now. See how I beg?

Happy Valentine's Day (Blizzard)

So lately blogger/my computer is letting publish comments, but not sign in. It was a long process to get to the point where I can write. Anyway...

So on Valentine's day we had some crazy weather. Actually, it started Tuesday night with lots of snow. Then around 8:30 that night it started with the sleet and freezing rain, which was weird since it was only about 10 degrees. You'd think at that temperature it would just be snow, but whatever. Anyway, the sleet carried on for awhile... pretty much all night and into the morning, then around 10 in the morning we basically had a white out which lasted till about one. Then just regular snow. The snow plow would go down the parking lot and back up and where they had just plowed it would be full of snow again. So of course salt and gravel weren't gonna do the trick. So all afternoon the power was flicking off and on.

We got our car stuck when we were coming back from the cafeteria after lunch. We thought it would be good to keep moving it so that it wouldn't get snowed in. It didn't work. At 4:30 I walked home in the 40-50 mile per hour wind. With drifts up to my knees on the road to our house. What was nice was that the snow in front of our house was so hard that neither my footprints nor the car's tiretracks sink in more than half an inch.

At seven the power went off for real. Which was too bad because that's when Michael started walking home from school. And supper was almost ready. Fortunately it was only out for about an hour, so we didn't freeze to death without the heat.

So I opened up an MSN article about the storm and cleanup this morning and sure enough, it was posted from Hamburg. Yeah. That's where we live. They closed 50 miles of the interstate that runs through town. They had blackhawk helicoptors and hummers bringing people food and fuel for about two days.

I don't think I ever got my car stuck in Nebraska... And we really only got about eight inches. It was just the crazy combination of precipitation that made all the mess. At least we got the backhoe to get our car out and now we can drive again, they got the snow drifts off the road.

Too bad they don't close boarding school for snow.

So that was our craziness of late.

*Door slams in face* Look, a window's open!

So last Wednesday we were supposed to go to the Daily Show in NYC. We were way excited. We got off work at 12:30, ran home and changed then drove to Newark, took a bus into the Port Authority and ran the 13 or so blocks (NYC blocks, not Lincoln blocks) to the show taping address. Sadly, we were a little late. They stopped giving tickets away two people in front of us. Even more sadly, for the people in front of us, they were from San Diego. It's harder to get to NYC from San Diego than from Pennsylvania.

We were really disappointed. Apparently they overbook every show by about 30 people so that they have every seat filled. The good news is that we get VIP tickets next time.

The fantastic news is that as we were walking along, lo and behold, we saw a sign for Wicked. If you don't know what Wicked is, then you shouldn't be my friend. Go look it up on Google or something. So we walked up to the box office and asked if they still had any seats for sale. We got 6th row orchestra seats. We could see the director's head. And little stick as he waved it around. It was fantastic. And awesome. And many good times were had by all (me and Michael). I love musicals. And though it was quite different from the book, they were singing and dancing, so that pretty much made up for it. We splurged a bit to get that close, but really, how often are we going to have this opportunity? I think it was a once in a lifetime chance, and we took it and we loved it.

The drive back at two in the morning was another thing altogether.

Oh yeah, we also found this great little Thai place about a block away from the show. They had nice big chunks of fresh vegetables in their food. And so tasty. No frozen vegetables. Wonderful.

Other than that, we had a good homeleave. We cleaned and played games and watched Veronica Mars. I'm trying to stay in the normal zone. Struggling, but it's been sunnier, so that helps.

Enjoyed the Superbowl last night. Go Peyton Manning. Yeehaw for Tennesseans!

Happy to Oblige

I'm pretty sure I've done this survey before, but it was on my other blog, and maybe I have new answers now. Plus I'm uninspired to write about anything else. By the way, my computer won't even let me look at other people's comments, much less comment myself. That explains my lack of commenting... What's your excuse?

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Print Shop Coordinator (bleh)
2. Lifeguard/Blob Director
3. Student writer/intern for Marketing Communications Department at UC
4. Switchboard Operator


Four Movies you would watch over and over:
1. The Music Man
2. Fiddler on the Roof
3. Benny and Joon
4. Beaches

Four Places you have lived:
1. Cortez, CO
2. Lexington, KY
3. Madison, TN
4. Hamburg, PA

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Chipotle Vegetarian Fajita Burrito... it's been so long
2. Green Spaghetti
3. Homemade pizza made by me
4. Ice cream

Places you’d rather be right now:
1. In bed. Maybe not my own bed because we're keeping our thermostat at 52.
2. Florida
3. My mom's house
4. Somewhere where the high today is more than 17 degrees, as it is here. Somewhere like Jamaica. Warm and exotic.

People I hope will respond by posting on their blogs:
1. Everyone I
2. know, I think
3. has already posted this, but in case they haven't
4. Justin

More bad gnus

Snow is in the forecast for the next three days. And it already snowed a little today. This also means it's cloudy. Again. And will continue to be so.

My work computer is too old and skanky to let me upload the pictures from my fancy shmancy camera. I don't own my own computer. Hence there will be no pictures of my life any time soon. Maybe after we get a tax refund we'll buy a computer.

We have school on Sunday. I think they should make the students go to school and monitor themselves. I don't want to teach. It should be illegal. At least classes start at 9:30. Otherwise, I would revolt.

Update. Whatever.

It's cloudy today, but less cloudy than some days. Which means I can see the top of the mountains and there is some light, so it does not seem like perpetual twilight. That's a relatively good thing. I swear it's like Seattle here. Maybe not as rainy, but cloudy all the time. Plus Nebraska-esque wind. The moral of this story is that I'm ready for spring.

I made chili the other night. It was pretty good. Not spicy enough for me. But since I was kind of improvising and I couldn't find any cayenne pepper in my cupboard, (I swear I used to have some) it sufficed. It snowed that day and it's always good to have nice hot soup on snowy, windy, cold days. We also had hummus and flat bread with the meal. Really, it was a perfect meal.

We keep our thermostat set at 62 degrees, and our heating bill was still $259. This is pretty frustrating. The bill was actually for December, when we were gone for two weeks and turned the thermostat down to 56 degrees. What's the deal? I hate winter. This is the only time when I feel semi-OK about global warming.

We finally got our Pennsylvania driver's licenses yesterday. My picture was pretty cute. Now we have to get our car registration done by the end of the month. Which is going to be difficult since we have Sunday school. Ugh.

Homeleave starts a week from today. We're going to see the Daily Show. I'm excited.

I feel uninspired and unmotivated. Blah.

The End.

Just breathe.

Lately I've been feeling small. And I want to feel big. Important. Like I'm doing something that makes a difference. The other night I cried about it for awhile. I think God puts this ache in my heart for a reason, but so far I have no answers as to why it's there. Or how to change it. Or what I should be doing about it. And it leaves me feeling very frustrated and small. I never feel like I'm doing enough. Maybe this is some sort of complex I have. Something left over from my dysfunction.

I tried to talk to God about it when I was feeling this way the other night. And I tried to remind myself that I should be looking for my identity and affirmation only from Him. But it's hard. Hard to remember. Hard to believe.

So I start dreaming about the things I could be doing. Helping AIDS victims in Africa is a popular one for me. Or working for a home for abused women and children. Or saving victims of sexual trafficking. If I had a direction and a place to start that would be good.

Or is this Satan's distraction from the good I could be doing where I am?

Accomplishment

Yesterday I got up and walked/jogged two and a half miles. Even though it was chilly and sprinkling, it seemed like a really good idea at the time. I've gained an uncomfortable amount of weight in recent months and when I look at pictures I'm not happy with what I see. This was not a New Year's resolution. I don't believe in them. Anyway, I felt really good afterward. And all day. It was the best day. Over all, endorphins rock. I was energized enough to take down all the Christmas stuff and put it away and drag the crispy Christmas tree outside and vacuum the living room and do two loads of laundry and put new sheets on the bed and dust the house. Most of those things I'd been meaning to do since I got back home a week and a half ago. But most days I just thought about it and gave up before starting. I just felt happy all day yesterday. And I know it was the endorphins.

Today I hurt. My legs want to fall off. This just goes to show that I'm really out of shape. I know it's not the walking, because last week I walked the same distance and had no pain afterward. It's the approximately half mile of jogging that did me in. Sad, I know. Right now, I'm just trying to remember yesterday's endorphins. They're fleeting. They should last at least a couple of days. At least until the pain subsides. Then I'd probably be more motivated to exercise again. Whereas, right now, I just want to go back to bed.

In other news, Michael is going to Southern for a few days to help with camp interviews. So I'll be all alone from Tuesday night till Thursday night. And I really don't feel like driving to and from Philadelphia twice in two days, but if I don't, I won't have a car. And that's annoying when I have to teach at eight on Thursday morning and the high for the day is 30 degrees.

Also, I don't know what I'm doing for class tomorrow. I'm fresh out of ideas. Maybe I'll show a movie. We're going to start public speaking soon. But that means I need to go though my box of notebooks and folders from college, and I really need some endophins to do that.

Ugh

Bad things are happening.

Worthington or Loma Linda or Kellogg's or whoever is in charge of these things has discontinued Tuno. Which will make it difficult for me to make my favorite casserole, Tuno Pinwheels. I'm very upset. And thinking about writing protest letters, and having my English students write protest letters. I have 49 students this semester. That might make an impact.

And it's snowing. The first snow of the season. It makes me want to vomit. Lots of students are excited. I'm disgusted. I had some hope that this would not happen this year. You know, God's little gift to me. Sadly, no. (Yes, I realize that my stance on snow contradicts my feelings about the need to preserve the environment. If our government and the car/gas industry decide to stop being greedy and do something to protect our grandchildren, I will resign myself to moving to Florida. I don't think it will be necessary.)

A new year

I know, it's been a really long time since I posted. My parents don't have internet, and I've been avoiding work like the plague. Until today. They made me come back today.

You'd think with another birthday (how did I get so old?) maybe I'd get more responsible. Sadly, not so.

Anyway, I had a good break. It was good to be with family, as always. I watched too much tv. I pretty much fried my brain on it. Which made me grateful that we don't have cable here. I can't watch tv all day. I have to rent or buy anything I want to watch.

We went to a bookstore yesterday and got 16 books for $18. It was fabulous. They're going out of business. And it made a great birthday gift to me. About half of them were hardbacks. I figure, if we paid full price it would have cost more than $150. So I'm stocked up for a couple of months.

Also, we got a digital camera for Christmas, so the possibilities of seeing pictures of us on my blog have increased greatly. Still, I need to be smarter than it to work it, and right now that seems doubtful.

It was good to come home. And this time I mean Pennsylvania. It's something about having our own space or something. I'm not sure, but it's good to be back, even though I miss my family.

Still, I'm not ready to teach again. I really don't even want to think about it yet. It's only a day away.