Did I mention that I hate winter?

A branch on the maple tree in our front yard. Usually it's several feet higher than this.

Grass-sickle anyone?

Ice-laden fir tree

Winter wonderland?

Noone's home.

Had a big ice storm last night/this morning. It took us fifteen minutes to get the car doors open, using boiling water, etc. We wouldn't have ventured outside, but we had Sunday school. There was a bird frozen to a tree on campus. I didn't see it, but all the kids were talking about it. Thankfully the sun is out this afternoon and the ice is falling off the trees, so we may not lose too many more branches.

Boo-yah

Free Rice. Reached level 50 today. Didn't stay there. But still.

Random

No miraculous mood change yet. When I wake up in the morning I use my light and I feel like I have more energy afterward, but I don't feel particularly happy. I'm not feeling the deep sadness of before either. So I'm just kind of minorly depressed. Which I guess is better.

I got more feedback from my students' surveys. And I felt really good about it. I'm starting to think maybe I should be a teacher. But right now I'm just doing this part time-two classes. I can't imagine teaching full-time. So I guess I still don't know what to do with my life.

I caught Pounce halfway up the Christmas tree the other day. Now we have to watch out for that.

Two weeks from tomorrow Christmas vacation begins. That's a little hard to believe. I have no idea how I've gotten halfway through this school year. And second semester always flies by, so I'm practically done with this year. We're going to Florida for Christmas. Maybe the warmer weather and time with family will do the trick.

It keeps snowing here. It's not accumulating. Probably because of the wind. I guess all the snow we had here is probably down in Virginia by now.

I've gotten up to level 48 on freerice. And I've donated more than 80,00 grains of rice.

And that's about it.

Blessings

I have amazing friends. Sometimes I forget, because they're far away, and I'm not really good at staying in touch. But then they remind me. They are generous and thoughtful. And amazing.


Here I am in the light of my new light box. If you know what I'm talking about, thank you. You made my life a better place to be.


And, as promised, pictures of Pounce and the Christmas tree. I think this is quintessential Pounce. Curious and in your face.


Our giant tree.


An angel ornament that I inherited from my grandma. (I love angel ornaments and joy ornaments. You get it, Angela Joy.)


I don't even know where the string came from, but Pounce loves it.

The principal came to observe my class this morning. I think it went alright. I have a counseling appointment tonight and good things to report. I have amazing friends and family. Even when it doesn't feel good, my life is very blessed. Also, if you haven't tried it yet, go to Freerice.com. I'm obsessed. I've donated more than 30,000 grains of rice in the last three days. That's a lot of vocabulary words. And a lot of life avoidance, but I'll deal with that later. At least it's for a good cause.

Where to begin?

This will probably be a ramble, because a lot has happened in two weeks, and I don't feel like sorting it all out.

So two weeks ago, I called the doctor's office and they couldn't get me in because they don't have my records yet from the other doctor's office. That meant no antidepressants. I cried on the phone with them. They didn't give in. I felt very frustrated. Here I am, really trying to do the right things for myself, and no one seemed to be willing to help me.

So the next day I was at my OBGYN to get my birth control shot and I told the nurse administering my shot what I was going through. I seriously broke down right there. I must have been convincing. She got me two prescriptions to hold me over until I can get in at the regular doctor. She was really nice. Here I am crying and hyperventilating and she's saying things like, "That's what we're here on earth for, to help each other." and "You're not crazy, we all go through rough times." So kudos to her, the only medical professional willing to do anything helpful for me.

Parent/teacher conferences went fine. I had to tell one set of parents that their son plagiarized his paper. They weren't happy with him.

The vice principal came to observe my class. I think it went well. We haven't talked about it yet. But I did get the results from my students' surveys. They were very positive. It made me feel like I could be a teacher after all...

It started snowing last Sunday before we started our drive to Louisville. It wasn't really sticking, but it was disappointing anyway. And gross. On our drive back on Saturday there was a lot of snow on the ground in western PA but none here.

I had a nice day with my sister. I think she had a good birthday. I met her new boyfriend, who seems very nice. It was good to be with family, even briefly.

I have a clothing budget of $50 per month. This month I got a pair of shoes, a dress, two shirts, a sweater/jacket, and a pair of capri/gauchos. Boo-yah. And with two dollars to spare.

Caught up on my sleep over the holidays. Still tired. Can't sleep. Should look into getting some Ambien.

Got our Christmas tree yesterday. We had to cut some of the top off so that it didn't hit the ceiling. A big difference over last year's Christmas bush. Pounce loves the tree and wants to climb it and play with the ornaments. Hopefully I'll get out the camera and pictures will follow.

Grades are due tomorrow and I still have grading and lesson planning to do, so I have to get back to work.

Pounce and more

For your viewing enjoyment: more pictures of Pounce. And what's going on in our lives? I can't sleep. I've had a sore throat and a wisdom tooth that is gnawing into my cheek. Which is pretty painful, as you may imagine. The hole in my cheek is kind of gross and impressive. But when I lay on my left side I wake up from the pain of my cheek hole being pushed into my wisdom tooth. I talked to a dentist I know and he's going to give me something to cauterize (sounds scary) the "wound." He said I don't have to have the tooth pulled right now. Which is what I've been worried about. Because I don't have time to have it pulled right now.

Yesterday we had Fall Festival here. I had a good time. I especially enjoyed hearing nice things about my husband. Two parents came up to Michael and told him that their children love his classes and talk about him and their classes. I beamed. It made Michael feel good too. I keep telling him that he's a good teacher and he should just stick it out for awhile. It's good to have reassurement from parents, though, and we don't get that a lot at boarding school. Really, it's good to get reassurement from anyone. Speaking of teaching, I have an administrator coming to observe my class tomorrow. That's stressful. Then sometime I'll have an evaluation. I guess if they tell me I'm a terrible teacher I can know that this is not the career that I got my degree for, and I'll move on to something else and they can just find a different teacher. For two classes. I know people are just falling over themselves to get this job. (cough, cough) Obviously, since they hired me out of desperation. Suckers.

Also, at the end of this week is Parent Weekend. Included in the fun and games are a parent/teacher forum where all the parents and teachers get together and the parents can ask any questions they like to anyone, and parent/teacher conferences. I learned last year that parent/teacher conferences weren't as bad as I feared. I'm hoping that my observation holds true for this year. So far, I only have two parents signed up to talk to me. That would be nice, but I'm sure it won't go down that way.

So that's some of the anxiety that I'm dealing with right now. I'm ready for this week to be over. Actually, I'd like to fast forward to exactly a week from now, when, hopefully, I'll be on my way to Nashville from Louisville to celebrate my sister's birthday. Sigh.



See, Michael's still around.



Shelby is starting to get irritated by Pounce. Pounce pounces on Shelby, especially her tail. Shelby doesn't like this much. Still, they have some sweet moments.



Just an autumnal view.



She's very playful.



I tricked her into climbing in there for a treat and then closed her in, turned the carton right side up, then released her. She didn't like it much, but it made for a cute picture. I put SoftClaws on her so that she can't scratch me or the furniture anymore. A good alternative to declawing. At first she fell alot when trying to jump onto things she used to be able to claw her way up. It was pretty funny. I hope you don't all think I'm a horrible person after this last paragraph. You've gotta take your laughs where you can get them. In case you're worried, I'm still her favorite person, so I must not be too mean.

Pounce de Lion

That's the official name. Whether it will stick or not I'm not sure. Mostly she goes by Pounce. She's 8 1/2 weeks old. She has become quite proficient at climbing legs. So I'm trying to dissuade her from that. Also, she's fascinated by the ceiling fan. She tried to climb up the bed post so that she could attack it. Several times she's fallen asleep on my lap, which is pretty much all I want from my animals. To cuddle. She's also getting quite vocal. If I'm not paying attention to her she wails. And meows. Endlessly until she's picked up. Soon after being picked up she wants to get down and play. Then she starts crying again because I'm not paying attention to her. She's already very good at using the litter box. We seem to have had one accident in the four days we've had her. Much better than Shelby as a puppy. Accidents all over the place.

Speaking of Shelby, she got sprayed by a skunk last night. I want to go back and check my posts from last year, but I think it's almost exactly the same time as when she was sprayed before. This time she didn't get as close and hence was not sprayed nearly as bad. We slathered her in tomato juice, dish soap, doggy shampoo and bubble bath. So far it seems to have worked. But last time, when we came home after letting her in the house we were nearly bowled over by the stench. It's the leaving then coming back that's the real test, so we'll see when we come home for lunch today whether our house seems habitable.

I wore a coat and scarf today. Probably if I weren't walking to work it wouldn't have been totally necessary, but I was and it was pretty cold and windy, of course. I think the weather has probably turned for worse. It's this time of year that I wonder whether I'll make it until April or May. Last April wasn't much good because it still snowed. And May was just OK. So here's to June. When I'll be happy again (I hope). Actually, I'm waiting to get in to see a doctor so that I can get on antidepressants, so it might not take that long to be happy again. We'll have to wait and see.

P.S. I did go back and check old posts and it was a year ago last Saturday night. So next November, remind me not to let Shelby outside at night.

The newest Shofner

We added a member over the weekend.







Shelby loves her. And she mostly ignores Shelby, but sometimes chases her or places with her tail. Sometimes they snuggle up together. She makes me happy. And she doesn't have a name yet (though I'm leaning towards Sadie or Thor) so I'm taking suggestions. We hope she'll grow up and eat lots of mice. (Did I mention we have a bit of a mouse problem?) And she likes me a lot. This morning when I was putting on makeup she meowed and complained that I wasn't paying attention to her. Then she climbed up my leg. Which was painful. But endearing.

Not much to tell

Most of last week was grey and/or rainy. Saturday it started rainy but the sun came out and ever since it's been partly sunny but getting chillier. We had our first frost last night. It was cold walking to work this morning.

I had my first session with a new counselor and I liked her. She seemed to get what's going on in my head and had some insights that hadn't occurred to me yet.

I'm going to try to get in to see a new doctor this week. I've decided that I need to get on antidepressants before winter comes because it's already too hard. And it's not lifting.

Three weeks until Thanksgiving break. Seven and a half weeks until Christmas break. Fortunately I have almost all my Christmas shopping done.

Had a quiet weekend. Read a lot. I'm re-reading The Lord of the Rings. I finished the first two books in less than a week. (anti-social behavior anyone?)

And other than getting through this week, that's about it.

There and back again

Ben came to visit over homeleave. A good time was had by... well, at least me. We had some pretty good food and we saw a good show in New York, among other things.



The naked cowboy. Of all the times I've been to New York, this is the first time I saw him. Given, a lot of the times I've been, it's been about 2o degrees outside. I wouldn't go out in that kind of weather in just my underwear. However I can't think of any time that I would go to Times Square in just my underwear.



Ben and me with all the theater billboards behind us.



And again.



Angela at the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.



Ben at the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.



Both of us at the Bee.



Home



Ben and me (with curly hair) before he left to go back home.



Pretty tree in my front yard.



Pretty leaves.



Me at home. Alone, but with curly hair.

Odd

I found myself happy to put on a light sweater this morning. Maybe it's just because it's almost like having new clothes when it's been so long since I wore it, but still, it was a good feeling. I didn't expect that. The weather has changed. On Tuesday it was so unbearably hot in my office that I left early. Seriously, it was about 86, and my office has no air conditioning or fan or anything in the way of a draft/breeze. Today the high is 59. That's cold to me. Plus there's the Nebraska-esque wind. Still, I was happy to put on my lavender sweater. Weird, huh?

Inspiration

Today is the anniversary of the birth of Eleanor Roosevelt, one of my heroines.

In her honor, a quote. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

She supported suffrage, civil rights and the end of child labor, among other things.

Her example encourages me to be a strong woman.

Reminder to self

This morning as I walked to work a thick fog surrounded me. Halfway through my walk I could see neither my house nor the school. (Usually I can see both.) I couldn't see the mountains beyond the school and the corn fields, which have already been mowed, seemed to drop off into nothing. It looked like the end of the world. Stark and grey. The silhouettes of broken corn stalks stabbing the horizon.

Then I looked up. About 100 feet up the sky was blue. The sun was shining.

It was a good example of what the last couple months have been like. I feel empty and I can't see very far around me, past my own nose, it seems; but if I can get my head up, there is light.

Update

I cleaned off my desk and spent several hours grading.

Something must be better.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"

-Emily Dickinson

You get the idea

It's October. And I'm feeling ok about that, mostly because the high for the next few days is in the 80s. So theoretically I can still get out and walk happily for awhile. I've been walking to and from school as usual, but every day this week I also walked at least the one mile loop near our house. I don't feel better and most days I don't want to do it. But I walk anyway, because I believe that it might be helping, even though I don't feel it. And if it's not helping yet, maybe it will later. And even if it doesn't help my mood, it will help my body. Even if I can't tell that it's helping my body. And I can't tell yet. I believe.

I'm very tired because I have moved on to not sleeping well. I tried some whole vitamin things that were supposed to uplift my mood. Then I read the ingredients and they had bovine ovaries, brain and stomach and porcine heart. I didn't feel ok about that. Lifelong vegetarian. Couldn't handle it. So today I started SAM-e. We'll see.

The highlight of my life right now is the upcoming visit of Ben Yancer. Not to put any pressure on you, Ben. But old friends are the best friends and you're one of my oldest. I bought tickets to a show to see while he's here. I'm excited. I hear there's a lot of audience participation. I like that.

My lower right eyelid is swollen and red and painful. It's not very noticeable, but yet another thing that I should probably go to the doctor for, but probably won't. I didn't even tell you about the last thing, and I'm not going to now.

Michael is on supervision duty this weekend.

Classes continue to go somewhat better. It's a miracle. Cause I sure didn't do anything to change what was happening in there. No initiative. Their first book reports are due next week and I'm already behind in my grading and I'm concerned that I won't be able to get everything done before grades are due. Once again, no initiative.

"I keep wanting you to be fair, but that's not what you said. I want certain answers to these prayers, but that's not what you said." --Sara Groves

To tell the truth

I don't feel like doing much of anything these days. I'm tired and sad. I don't know what this is about because the weather is still nice and I'm getting outside quite a bit. I still feel sad about my grandpas dying. And maybe it's because I got no break between work and camp and work and the stress of a new school year and all that stuff. Who knows? In any case, yesterday I got asked to do three extra things, school related trip, decorating, classes, stuff like that. I broke down to one of the women who asked and just said I didn't have enough emotional energy for extras. The other two I just said no. I think it's good that I could say no. But maybe it's just selfishness. In any case, it's good that it's the weekend. And my classes were surprisingly a little better this week. I didn't feel as if the boys were making my life worse on purpose. I think that's a step in the right direction.

The thing is that I worry that if I'm feeling this way now, while the weather is good that I'll never make it through the winter. My anxiety is up. I can tell because my obsessive thoughts and counting are taking over. I'm not sleeping well. My desk and my house are a mess. Maybe my paranoia about winter is making it all worse. The thing is that I think God made me to feel my full range of emotions. But sometimes I get stuck too long in the valleys. In some ways I think it's a good thing. I believe my lows make me a more compassionate person. But sometimes I wonder if that's enough of a good thing to outweigh the crushing sadness.

And that's my truth for today.

things done over homeleave

Went to New York twice
Saw a show-not the best
Played a lot of hand and foot
Finished The Beet Queen by Louise Erdrich
Went to a Greek food festival
Ate Thai food in Lancaster
Went outlet mall shopping in Amish country
Had friends over for dinner (black bean soup and spinach-artichoke dip)
Tried to sleep in a lot
Watched a few movies
Did some house-cleaning
Didn't take any pictures

Title-less

Not a lot going on here...

There's testing this week, which gets in the way of my planning my classes, annoying, but, I suppose, necessary.

I seem to have either a cold or allergies. Can't tell which. Fun times.

Michael has Shingles. So apparently stress does effect him.

Homeleave starts a week from today, we're going to New York for half a day to see The Ritz, back on Broadway.

We have school again this Sunday, ugh.

And now a list of the some of the books I've read lately:

An Unquiet Mind - Kay Redfield Jamison
Personal History - Katharine Graham
How to Make an American Quilt - Whitney Otto
The Double Bind - Chris Bohjalian
All Over But the Shoutin' - Rick Bragg
A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Housseni
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - David Sedaris

The End

Oh, the things they say...

So the other day I went to the business office to procure some mini post-it notes. There was a new student working there. Let's call him Bill. (Yes, I know his real name.) Anyway, I had introduced myself to him about two days before, so I said, "Hey Bill, can I get some little post-it notes?" Bill said, "Are they for you or a teacher?"

I informed him that I am a teacher. Anyway, I bring this up because it happens disturbingly often and I don't know whether I should take it as a compliment or not. On the one hand there's the fact that lots of people think I look young enough to be a high school student. On the other hand there's the fact that lots of people think I look young enough to be a high school student. I think you know what I mean.

Is it because of things like this?

Clip, clip

We're back from Senior Retreat. And instead of this being a long holiday weekend we had school on Sunday and Monday. Boarding academy... I guess maybe this is what Labor Day is really about--hard work. Anyway, Tuesday was Fall Picnic. So generally a lot of running around and class spirit. Also, I got my hair cut. I cut 3-4 inches off. And it feels fabulous. Every time I let my hair get longish and then cut it, I always wonder why I grew it out in the first place. Somebody remind me of this, please. Anyway, here are some pictures from a few moments ago. I forgot to bring the camera cable so I could show you the pictures I took last night when it was fresh, so these, from my computer will have to do.






Michael got a new laptop, which the school paid for half of, so he's really excited about that. We've been playing Age of Empires next to each other. (By the way, we're big nerds.) So that's what's going on here, busy with work, but life is good.

Oh, yeah...

Here's a picture of the hole I made in the tire. Remember? With the huge pothole in Indiana. Yeah.

Miscellany

In my attempt to become more Blake-ish, this year I'm starting my class with a (hopefully) thought-provoking quote. Today's was: "Much less evil would be done on earth if evil could not be done in the name of good" -- Marie Von Ebner Eschenbach. So I asked my students what they thought were some examples of evil done in the name of good. My first class I got some good responses. In my second class, the boys who are trying to convince me not to teach anymore mostly made fun of it. I understand the desire to be cool in front of your friends. I vaguely remember the horrors of high school. The emotional roller coaster, the hormonal disaster that is a teenager. I also remember the class ahead of mine being unduly cruel to their teachers. Their goal being to get Mrs. C to cry every day in class and to get Mr. H to resign. Both of them ended up only teaching for that one year. At the time I thought it was pretty awful of them, but also a little funny. Now I just want to cry for them and a little for me.

My first class generally goes well and the students pay attention and participate. Ideal. Second class, I have one student who continually roams the classroom. Every time he makes a comment he wants to do so from the front of the room. And he wants to make a lot of comments. I have other students who read very slowly on purpose. I'm not sure what the purpose is, other than to frustrate me and maybe get a few laughs(?). Honestly, I don't get it.

In other news, we're already planning our first homeleave. Planning on going to New York and seeing a show, eating Chipotle. (For those of you in Lincoln, you don't know how lucky you are to be in such close proximity to such deliciousness.) There will probably be cheesecake involved. We were thinking about spending the night, but the hostels (not hotels, hostels) start at $62 a night. To get a decent hotel room, with a shared bathroom, you'll pay more than $175 a night. That's a bit steep for us. Manhattan's quite pricy. In any case, I'm excited.

Also, in case you didn't know, the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden started yesterday. Go henceforth and eat lots of pasta.

Also, we're going on Senior Retreat at the end of this week... hoping for good times, hoping there is no hurricane coming through, like last year, and that it's not too hot.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of me in my office, five minutes ago. That's right, my computer takes pictures. Sucka.



Amen.

The things students say... (ripped off title from Carissa)

"Do I have to spell correctly in my journal?"

Since this came from a notoriously sarcastic student, I'm thinking... well, don't go out of your way to spell incorrectly.

(And yes, I'm pretty sure I was a notoriously sarcastic student in my days too...)

Etc.

This is Michael and me at the end-of-summer camp staff party.


Me, my cousin Naomi, Kirk and Christa at Clear Lake, a place my dad visited a lot as a kid in Indiana or Michigan. I'm not sure whether we crossed the border or not.


Me, Kirk and Christa at our Grandpa's funeral.


Christa, me, Mom and Michael at home when they visited in March.


Christa and me when we went to see the Lion King on Broadway.

Randomness from the past year...

This is Shelby. She's not always this calm.



She's usually more like this.



This is the siblings plus spouses last Christmas.



This is during one of the spring break trips to New York. I'll let you guess where we are.



This was a January trip to New York. It was about 17 degrees, plus if you've ever been to New York you know what the wind is like. Oh my word. So I tried to take a shot without the flash. But I was very cold. Hard to keep the camera still. I thought it was cool anyway.

While I was gone...

I got the sweet MacBook that I'm currently typing on. Woohoo! (which also means that my computer is no longer too slow for my camera -- pictures to follow soon.)

School started back. My class begins tomorrow. I have 24 students in one class and 30 (30!!) in the other.

My other grandfather died. He started out with prostate cancer, then it moved to his bones, before it was detected. Then a couple weeks ago it moved to his liver and he died about a week later. It was sad. I didn't get to go to the funeral, which was near Lincoln, which made it sadder that I couldn't go because then I could have seen friends too. Alas, one can only do so many things, and apparently go to so many funerals in one year.

Two days later, my great-grandmother, his mother, died. She was 99. She'd been out of it so long that they didn't even bother to tell her that her son had died, so that wasn't the cause. Maybe it was a coincidence, but I don't know if I believe in those.

Camp ended, I got sick, stayed that was for most of three weeks and we got home safely.

Life is still good. Just tinted a little with sadness right now.

On a sidenote...

Something interesting I learned while with my family last weekend: my uncle met my aunt while buying shrooms. From her.

Ah, yes. What a good Adventist family we are.

Anyway, the funeral went well. Noone had to lie about all the good things they said about grandpa. My brother mentioned that he couldn't remember a single bad memory of grandpa. No loss of temper, no gossip about someone, no unkind word. That's a pretty amazing testament to his life.

Also, on the way up I got my first flat tire. If I had my camera I would show you the huge hole in the tire. I could fit my fist into it easily. I hit a huge pothole in the middle of I-65. That wasn't nerve-wracking at all. The huge semis rushing by at about 75 mph. Two feet between me and them. Can't get further over because of the guardrail. Fun times.

Update

My grandfather died last night. My first biological grandparent to go. I'll be going up to Napanee, Indiana on Thursday and coming back on Sunday. I appreciate prayers, etc.

Time's fun...

Two weeks left of camp. Then a week until staff meetings start all over again. Somethings that I notice about camp that are different now from when I worked here four years ago: I'm bothered by the lack of personal time and space. Even at boarding academy, most days I get off at five and have a few hours to myself. (This is not true for Michael, but that is partially his choice.) I miss my own cooking. The camp food hasn't even been that bad, but I miss vegetables (the unfrozen kind) and well-seasoned food. And actually, I miss cooking itself. I miss time with my husband. Time for each other is rare at best. Even on days off.

But camp is also good. What would I do with two months off to do nothing? Probably just spend way too much money. Or maybe go to Europe. Whatever.

So my grandma is officially moved into the locked dementia unit of an assisted living facility. Mom and Christa went down for two weeks to help with the packing and such. However, Mom accidentally fell through the attic and (luckily) only (very badly) sprained her foot/ankle. And there was a lot of bruising on one side of her body. But now, a month later, the bottom of her foot is almost flat again. Instead of rounded out like a beach ball. Her fall was broken partially by a ladder and partially by a filing cabinet. Which were good things, because she fell over the garage=cement floor.

Mom brought home a lot of Grandma's stuff and we divided it among ourselves. Which seemed like a very strange thing to do before she dies. It was also really emotional. Basically, it sucked.

So that's the summary of my summer so far. I can't imagine that I'll be ready to teach in four weeks. (Eek!) However, I ran into an old friend of mine who is an English teacher, and she gave me a lot of great tips, so I feel greatly encouraged. And when I was talking with her, I actually felt excited. So what does that mean?

How did this happen?

So lately I've been finding pure white hairs attached to my head. These are not gray, nor blond. They are white. It started happening last December when I was enmeshed in grading plagiarized papers and dealing with them, etc. So first I just thought they were stress-induced. But they continue to come. Maybe they were originally stress-induced but now my head has realized that it's easier to put out white hairs than to go to all the trouble of making them brown. In any case, I pull them out. My only concern is that I can't see the back of my head and there could be lots back there that I don't know about at all.

When did I get to be an adult? Someone should have consulted me about this before letting it happen.

Short update

So it's been awhile. Camp is in full swing. Things are good. We celebrated our second anniversary yesterday. We actually left camp for a couple hours and found a Thai restaurant in Cookeville. Who knew Cookeville would have a Thai restaurant? Anyway, it was pretty good, but not fabulous. And it was nice to have time together, because that's something that is sparse around here.

Being secretary keeps me pretty busy. Lots of making phone calls and faxes and making lists. Michael is busy too, but we're both enjoying camp.

So that's what's going on. Just camp stuff. We're alive, although very tired. And we finally got some rain yesterday, which was a huge blessing because it has been dry like butt here. I've never seen the lake this low in June. Maybe August or September. Definitely not June.

Anyway, I hope all is well with you people who may still be checking here for news.

And so it goes

Tomorrow we leave PA for TN. I'm excited. You know, between exhaustion and insanity. I've been so busy with staff meetings and finishing grades and replacing lost items that I haven't had time to pack or do laundry. Yesterday I realized that I would need to get something to put my things in. Since my trusty duffel bag, which I received for eighth grade graduation, was stolen. And that was pretty much the only luggage I owned. Sure Michael has some, but I don't like suitcases. So I went to TJ Maxx and got a new duffel bag. It's not as big. And it doesn't have as many pockets. And I don't like it as much. But it does have wheels. So there is an upside.

I like shopping. But shopping to replace things that you already owned is not as fun. I'm standing in the store, looking at the jeans I bought three days before and thinking, "Do I really want to buy these again? Do I have a choice, since those were the only jeans that fit me?" Yeah. Not as fun. Same with shorts, shirts, shampoo and conditioner, make up, curling iron, hair dryer... you get the idea. I have a lot of stuff that looks like stuff I used to have.

We have a thousand dollar deductible on our renters' insurance. So no luck there. But I'm past the anger and on to the acceptance. Yep, it sucks, but you should have a bathing suit. Even if you already bought this bathing suit a month ago.

Anyway, I live in America and never had to seriously worry about where my next meal was coming from, so I'm fat and rich. And this is not the end of the world.

So staff meetings are basically done, we gather for worship tomorrow and say adios and hit the road. But first I must conduct an inventory of the library (yes, that includes counting every book), and cleaning up and doing whatever it takes for me to feel okay about being gone for two months. Then the long drive and staff week officially starts Sunday.

That's what she said.

Apparently being a sponsor on senior class trip involves:

A. Not getting much sleep because you have to check all the kiddies into their rooms every night and then go hunt down the ones that aren't in their rooms. Then you have to wake up early to be at the bus to go on the excursion of the day. My body cannot handle this anymore, which explains why I'm sick now.

B. Getting your luggage stolen because you were trying to give out room assignments and keys. Therefore, at a great cost to yourself, you must replace all your clothes, toiletries, cosmetics, underwear, swimsuits, etc. So this vacation turned out to be much more expensive than anticipated. And I lost some of my favorite clothes. I cried about it and now I'm going shopping with money I shouldn't be spending. And they don't even pay me to be a sponsor.

C. An otherwise pretty good time. Busch Gardens was fun and I enjoyed the roller coasters a lot. As always.


Now comes graduation. And inventory of everything in the library. That's a whole lot of book counting. And grading the rest of my students' papers. And staff meetings.

I'm tired.

Oh, what's the point?

We got yearbooks today. Mine has my name engraved on a little metal plaque. It looks really cool. And they told me that only special people get their names on plaques. So I felt special. I squealed a little. Now I want to ask my workers to sign my yearbook, but it seems to juvenile. Maybe Michael will sign mine.

Speaking of Michael, he was born 24 years ago today. He actually doesn't want people to call him. Seriously, he told me this earlier today. So maybe email him. My point is: I love him and he's awesome and he's a great husband. For instance: he always does the dishes for me because he knows I hate it. Even though he hates it too. And he's really patient with me when I'm crazy and neurotic, which happens a lot. Like yesterday I had a little anxiety attack and huddled under a blanket for a few minutes and cried. And Michael just calmly made me a sandwich so that at least I wouldn't be hungry when I was done with my panic attack. So those are just two of the things that make Michael wonderful to me. I'm sure you have your own reasons for loving him. There are many. Pick one and email him about it. Or just email him to say hello.

In other news, I taught my last class yesterday. It was a very exciting moment. Now I just have 40 some papers to grade and I'm done! And I failed someone. That was like an adult moment. Let them be responsible for cheating and not turning in their work all semester. Not be nice and let them pass when they don't deserve it. I wasn't a pushover. I feel a little proud about it and a little horrified. Last week I stood up to some parents who called and wanted me to change their daughter's grade just because she was sad about it. And I stood my ground. I was proud of myself. But when I write it all down like this I think I sound like a horrible person. Still, it felt good not to get steam-rolled over.

On Sunday we leave for Virginia Beach. Should be an exciting time. Busch Gardens and the beach and a dinner cruise and all sorts of merriment. Or something. We'll see. Then graduation, staff meetings and heading south for the summer. Items are being checked off the list, slowly but surely.

Amen.

Nothing at all

So there's a lot of stuff going on here, but not a lot to tell about. It's like in high school when your teachers gave you busy work just to keep you quiet. (Something I hated, but now, I'm pretty sure I do it.)

Basically, Michael and I are running around keeping busy, with nothing much to show for it.

We had spring picnic this week, so a lot of the kids are more colorful than I have seen them before. Particularly in shades of red and pink.

We're going to this leadership summit for the weekend at CUC or somewhere near there. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. I'm not sure what all it entails, but I know Ben Carson is speaking, which I think is very cool. Also, we had to buy another sleeping bag because we only had one and who knows where we'll be "sleeping". I don't think there will actually be a lot of rest. But who knows, I could happily be proved wrong.

There is lots of grading going on. And I only have two more days of classes. I am unreasonably happy about that. I'm going to try to not have my classes held while I'm away on senior class trip. Because I'd really just show a video anyway, and the students would rather stay in bed, and I'd rather not appear to be an amateur. So maybe no one has to know... We'll see.

We graduated two years ago. I don't know how that happened. Time's flown by so fast. And soon we'll be celebrating our two year anniversary. I don't know how that happened either. I want time to slow down a bit so that I can remember everything and not get old and sick and die.

Which leads into my other topic: my grandma is not doing well. She fell twice last week and didn't remember it. Broke her clavicle, had to go to the hospital. Didn't know where she was or why she was there. She's in a rehab center now but will almost certainly never live on her own again. It's just horrible to watch her diminish and die. Basically. When she was admitted to the hospital the doctor asked what her diagnosis was and how long it had been since she was diagnosed. My aunt told him it had been more than a year and he was surprised because most people with her diagnosis die within 18 months. So it looks as though we may be near the end. I can't remember her diagnosis, but it's similar to Alzheimer's, but much faster, and you lose control of some automatic functions, like swallowing, so many people with the disease die from choking or suffocation. And that's awful. So if you could keep her and my aunt, especially, in your prayers, I would appreciate it. Just for peace and for maybe some lucid days to help everyone cope.

Excuses, excuses

So it's been school spirit week here. Which was really just an excuse for me to wear jeans to work. So let it be said, so let it be done. When I was in academy, I never thought about whether or not my teachers wanted to wear jeans everyday. Now I know. Some of us do, and some of us would rather wear a suit and tie every day and also, make all the students wear suits and ties. Well, not the girls. They should be made to wear turtlenecks and skirts down to their toes. Guess which category I'm in?

The weather has been fantastic. Mid to upper sixties. It's good to wear jeans and short sleeves, which is perfect. I'm not yet quite ready for summer. Maybe because winter was brutal and lasted so long, I just want something between the two extremes. Lots of things are blooming, lilacs have just started. They are amazing.

All kinds of busyness is going on here. Last weekend: alumni. This weekend: homeshows for all touring groups. Next weekend: leadership summit. The following weekend we leave on Senior class trip. The following weekend: graduation. The following weekend: we drive to Tennessee to start camp on June 2nd.

When I look at that schedule I want to cry, but I know I'll get everything done. One way or another. Most likely by avoidance, procrastination, then panic. That is how I trained myself to deal with stress.

An awesome thing: I only have five more classes to teach this year. Amazing. I don't know how this happened, but I love the A/B day schedule.

The end.

Confession

Last night Leslie called me. I looked at my cellphone and didn't recognize the number so I didn't pick it up because I didn't want to take another student to Taco Bell. So as I listened to the voice message, I panicked because it was Leslie calling me. And I accidentally pushed delete in my rush to try to call her back. But my phone hadn't saved her number because I opened the phone to look at the number then closed the phone without answering the call. And when I do that my phone doesn't save the number. I was stupefied (or just stupid). I screamed "NO!" all Monica-esque when she accidentally recorded her message as the outgoing message on Richard's answering machine. (You know what I'm talking about?) Then I wept silently because I missed the call because of my own retardedness. And because I miss Leslie. So I hope Leslie reads this and gets a laugh and someday tries to call me again.

The latest

Avenue Q was hilarious. And inappropriate. And hilarious. Picture me laughing with my mouth wide open in shock at some of the things they said (and did). Oh my word. My favorite song: Everyone's a Little Bit Racist Sometimes

Also, New York cheesecake was, again, amazing.

I think I would like to live in New York for about a month and a half. Get to see everything I want to see and then get the heck out of there before global warming floods Manhattan. (I might even venture into Brooklyn if I lived there for awhile.)

In other happenings: it's beautiful here. I feel so happy all the time because it's warm outside and it's wonderful to be not in the house. I feel like a better person when it's nice outside. Also, the trees are starting to get green on the mountain. Right now it's just the trees at the bottom of the mountain. Ground level. The ones up higher are still looking winterish and drab. Grape Hyacinth are growing randomly in my backyard. Just all over the place. Noone could have planted them there. They're just there. And it makes me happy. I saw tulips blooming today. And the blooming trees are all blooming. I feel full.

Coming soon: alumni weekend. I am not looking forward to this. I think they should hold it somewhere else. Rent a big room somewhere. As it is, we have a lot of cleaning and preparing to do in the library (and everywhere else) this week. Bleh. Still, not annoying enough to keep me from feeling happy about life in general and the weather in specific.

News

I'm posting two days in a row. There must be something wrong, right?

Actually, not at all. We just found out that the school that we were supposed to interview at filled the position without interviewing Michael or calling to tell us that they'd filled the position. So we're staying here. And I feel really good about it. I've just kind of been in limbo for a month or more, not knowing how much I should commit to students and staff here and feeling stressed about it. Then the other school was unprofessional and inconsiderate and I feel happy about staying. So there's relief.

I'm glad because I'll be able to keep going to Broadway shows. I'll be able to make relationships for more than one year, so there's a good possibility for better friendships. I'm glad because I like the students here. (At least most of the time.) I'm glad because I like the administration. There are lots of good things. (I'm ignoring the weather, for the time being.) And I'm glad because I'll get to spend the summer near my family anyway. I'm glad because I'll sleep better now, without that hanging over my head.

That, my friend, is what you call closure.

That which is up

There's snow today. When I looked out the window this morning, the top half of the mountain was white. The bottom half was brown. I was drawn to stare at it like you do when there's an accident on the road. It was terrible to see, but I couldn't look away. Now there's this wet snow blowing in my ears whenever I go outside. I can't see the mountain anymore because of the clouds.

Other than that, things are pretty good. Friday night we went to a Jars of Clay concert, for which Burlap to Cashmere opened. That was my favorite part. And the encore for Jars of Clay was good. They sang quite a few old songs, which are the ones I know anyway. Another band played inbetween. Need To Breathe. Never heard of them. And I still don't know what they sing because they were so loud that I couldn't understand any of the words.

Sunday I ventured out to the outlet malls in Lancaster. Banana Republic, Gap, Skechers, Nine West, J. Crew, Pottery Barn and many, many more. And all I bought were some Harry & David truffles and a gift for my mother-in-law.

I'm looking forward to time off soon and catching up on sleep and maybe cleaning my house. Probably playing games with friends. So good times, basically.

And there's always tomorrow...

Today is better. I don't know why. But it is and I'm grateful. Yesterday when I woke up and realized that I had to teach I almost cried. But then, miraculously, they were quieter than normal, and listened better and did the things I asked (for the most part, they're not angels, after all). I think it was God's prodding, saying, don't give up yet. You still have more than a month to go.

It started snowing last Thursday and snowed on and off through Sunday. Fortunately, for my mental health, it didn't stick. If it had, we would have had quite a bit of snow on the ground because it really snowed a lot. At least it seemed to.

I remember last Easter Sunday laying on our water bed because the heating mechanism wasn't working and it was the only semi-cool place in our house. (It was more than 80 degrees and the air conditioning wasn't working. Also, we lived in a trailer, so the insulation was non-existent.) This year snow. Makes you think they're onto something with all that climate change talk.

Sadly, we're not going to make it out to Union next week as we had hoped. Plane tickets went up into the $350 range. And since we just paid about a thousand dollars in taxes, that's a bit out of our reach right now. So instead I found discounted tickets to see Avenue Q on Broadway next Thursday. Just to cheer us up. It won't make up for missing out on seeing all our friends, for sure.

And the allergies are here. I've had two migraines in the last four days. And I just have a little headache on the verge right now. It's not bad yet, and I have the Advil in my purse, just in case. Also, the phlegm has been constantly in the back of my throat for more than a week. All this and no flowers because it's too damn cold. Pennsylvania (or global warming) is toying with my emotions.

We hope to have news soon about an interview somewhere south of here. So keep that in prayer, if you don't mind. We don't know whether we want to go or not, but it's definitely something that's on our minds.

Anyway, that's all the news that's fit to be published.

Meh

Sorry for the general lack of posting. I've been feeling particularly uninspired. Except to vent about the frustrations of my job, which I don't really want to dwell on in my cyber life, since I already dwell on it in real life. Ben has born the brunt of my exasperation by email in any case.

So it's been quite warm here lately, it got up to 70 yesterday. I sat on the concrete slab in front of our house yesterday just to try to be happy by osmosis from the sun's rays. I don't know if that's what did it or not, but I slept better last night than I have in weeks... maybe months.

I've been trying to remember, in my days of anxiety, that God put me here, specifically, for a reason, and as long as I'm doing my best and relying on Him that He'll work it out. Still, I get angry at my workers when they don't do their work and then I have to do it instead. I get angry when my students are disrespectful in class. I get angry, just basically, when things aren't going my way. How self-centered am I? I am, theoretically, an adult, and should have learned by now that things rarely go the way I want them to go and that really, it's time to get over myself.

Anyway, it leads to me being stressed and not sleeping well. I've had some crazy dreams lately. I've had dreams with people in them that I haven't seen in months or years. People I haven't thought about in months or years. Really vivid dreams. You'd think I'm on drugs or something. And every time this happens I wonder if it's some kind of prompt from God. Should I be praying for them when I wake up from a dream about them? Is this some subliminal kinship? Or am I just on the fritz?

The bad news is that it's supposed to snow this weekend. Which made me cry a little this morning. I really thought we were done now. I've been seeing the piles of snow in the parking lots shrink and turn darker. And rejoicing with their death. If it snows again, I feel like a piece of the joyful me is just going to give up and disappear forever.

I know, I'm overly despondent and dramatic today. I even annoy myself with all the complaining I do. Probably tomorrow I'll be fine.

Random

It's about 75 degrees today. A miracle. I thought the warmth would never come. But daffodils and tulips and maybe crocus are peeking through the ground. Nature has proved my emotions wrong once again. I'm glad.

(Don't tell anyone I said this, but it actually feels a little too warm. Maybe just because I'm wearing pants and longish sleeves. We'll go with that.)

There's a Union recruiter here today and it makes me think I should go for that guaranteed degree. It's free after all, and I love a bargain.

Some things that happened

Spring break was crazy. I went to New York four times and Philadelphia three times. One of the trips to Philadelphia we had to give up on because of a snow storm. We got there and turned around and went right back home. We saw about ten accidents on the way there and back. It's usually a three hour roundtrip, but it took more like six. So that was a barrel of fun. Michael also went to Gettysburg and Washington D.C. but I skipped those trips. One night my mom and Dino and I were in the Philadelphia airport until 2:00 am waiting for Christa to get in. So we didn't get home till 4:00 am. I saw the Daily Show with John Stewart and the Lion King on Broadway and Ellis Island (twice) (and found my great-grandfather's name on the wall) and the Statue of Liberty (twice). I went to Chinatown and Central Park (twice). Found a great little place to buy cheesecakes in New York (twice) and visited the largest mall east of the Mississippi in Philadelphia. Saw Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell. Christa and I led a last minute song service at church when the guy who was supposed to lead song service couldn't make it because of the foot of snow we got the day before. Most of the snow has melted now, but for a couple of days it was quite treacherous. Lots of cars getting stuck in snow banks and people towing us out.

Somehow I managed to grade all the papers that needed to be graded. And I'm getting really good at getting around on the subway in New York. My family was impressed. I've decided that maybe I should be a tour guide. An international tour guide. I'm good with maps and directions. Maybe that's my true calling. My spiritual gift.

Anyway, it's good to be back to my regular crazy schedule, as opposed to the irregular craziness of spring break. I need a vacation.

I should have known.

When I looked outside this morning and saw a fresh blanket of snow on the ground I should have known that today was not the day to have our taxes done. Alas, I didn't think it all through, so we went.

H&R Block says we owe $867.

That hurts.

How does this happen when you don't claim any deductions?

I was hoping with out tax refund to buy a computer, since neither of us currently own one. There goes that dream.

All because I didn't recognize God's warning sign to me: don't do anything of importance when it snows. You'll get screwed.

Because I haven't posted in awhile.

The snow is starting to melt. I'm afraid to say much about because last time I did, it snowed another six inches. I'm starting to imagine what it would be like for spring to be here. I think of green grass and things budding and trees leafing... Anything but white, grey and brown. I have more than enough of those colors. Ready for something new.

My family arrives for a visit a week from today. I'm excited. Also, next Tuesday we're going to go try to see the Daily Show again. This time we have VIP tickets and know how to get there. That should help. Maybe there will be more good Thai food.

Last Sunday I served ice cream to about 120 kids. My index finger, thumb and wrist finally feel better today.

I've been waking up approximately 30-40 times a night. I'm really tired. I'm at that point where lots of things are funny. It's not noon yet. I was that way in class this morning. Someone asked why it was so hot in the classroom and I pointed to myself. Then someone asked what the movie was about and I said, "Your mom." Out loud. In real life. To some inner-city kids. It's the sleep deprivation. The censors are turned off.

I melt

The high for today is 42, a temperature unheard of since the beginning of January. I'm hoping the foot high pile of ice blocking the path to the front door starts to melt. Right now, we're just asking for broken bones every time we enter or exit our abode.

I've read eight books so far this year. They are, in chronological order:

Love Me by Garrison Keillor
The Innocent Man by John Grisham
A Mighty Heart by Mariane Pearl
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
All He Ever Wanted by Anita Shreve
Our Lady of the Forest by David Guterson
Storming Heaven by Denise Giardina
Teacher Man by Frank McCourt

I'm trying to keep up with a book a week. The one I'm starting today is Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. It won the Pulitzer Prize and I've been wanting to buy it for months. I'm excited.

We started a little public speaking in class. I thought I'd start off easy with a 2-3 minute reading. Sadly, no one in my classes listens so they all forgot about it and were just reading random passages from their textbooks. Not the most inspiring class period.

That's about it. I bought a gameboy advance used and am a little obsessed right now. It's really cutting into my reading time. And I'm not sleeping well. Which does not bode well for my mental health. Also, I changed my comment settings so I think it's easier to post comments now. See how I beg?

Happy Valentine's Day (Blizzard)

So lately blogger/my computer is letting publish comments, but not sign in. It was a long process to get to the point where I can write. Anyway...

So on Valentine's day we had some crazy weather. Actually, it started Tuesday night with lots of snow. Then around 8:30 that night it started with the sleet and freezing rain, which was weird since it was only about 10 degrees. You'd think at that temperature it would just be snow, but whatever. Anyway, the sleet carried on for awhile... pretty much all night and into the morning, then around 10 in the morning we basically had a white out which lasted till about one. Then just regular snow. The snow plow would go down the parking lot and back up and where they had just plowed it would be full of snow again. So of course salt and gravel weren't gonna do the trick. So all afternoon the power was flicking off and on.

We got our car stuck when we were coming back from the cafeteria after lunch. We thought it would be good to keep moving it so that it wouldn't get snowed in. It didn't work. At 4:30 I walked home in the 40-50 mile per hour wind. With drifts up to my knees on the road to our house. What was nice was that the snow in front of our house was so hard that neither my footprints nor the car's tiretracks sink in more than half an inch.

At seven the power went off for real. Which was too bad because that's when Michael started walking home from school. And supper was almost ready. Fortunately it was only out for about an hour, so we didn't freeze to death without the heat.

So I opened up an MSN article about the storm and cleanup this morning and sure enough, it was posted from Hamburg. Yeah. That's where we live. They closed 50 miles of the interstate that runs through town. They had blackhawk helicoptors and hummers bringing people food and fuel for about two days.

I don't think I ever got my car stuck in Nebraska... And we really only got about eight inches. It was just the crazy combination of precipitation that made all the mess. At least we got the backhoe to get our car out and now we can drive again, they got the snow drifts off the road.

Too bad they don't close boarding school for snow.

So that was our craziness of late.

*Door slams in face* Look, a window's open!

So last Wednesday we were supposed to go to the Daily Show in NYC. We were way excited. We got off work at 12:30, ran home and changed then drove to Newark, took a bus into the Port Authority and ran the 13 or so blocks (NYC blocks, not Lincoln blocks) to the show taping address. Sadly, we were a little late. They stopped giving tickets away two people in front of us. Even more sadly, for the people in front of us, they were from San Diego. It's harder to get to NYC from San Diego than from Pennsylvania.

We were really disappointed. Apparently they overbook every show by about 30 people so that they have every seat filled. The good news is that we get VIP tickets next time.

The fantastic news is that as we were walking along, lo and behold, we saw a sign for Wicked. If you don't know what Wicked is, then you shouldn't be my friend. Go look it up on Google or something. So we walked up to the box office and asked if they still had any seats for sale. We got 6th row orchestra seats. We could see the director's head. And little stick as he waved it around. It was fantastic. And awesome. And many good times were had by all (me and Michael). I love musicals. And though it was quite different from the book, they were singing and dancing, so that pretty much made up for it. We splurged a bit to get that close, but really, how often are we going to have this opportunity? I think it was a once in a lifetime chance, and we took it and we loved it.

The drive back at two in the morning was another thing altogether.

Oh yeah, we also found this great little Thai place about a block away from the show. They had nice big chunks of fresh vegetables in their food. And so tasty. No frozen vegetables. Wonderful.

Other than that, we had a good homeleave. We cleaned and played games and watched Veronica Mars. I'm trying to stay in the normal zone. Struggling, but it's been sunnier, so that helps.

Enjoyed the Superbowl last night. Go Peyton Manning. Yeehaw for Tennesseans!

Happy to Oblige

I'm pretty sure I've done this survey before, but it was on my other blog, and maybe I have new answers now. Plus I'm uninspired to write about anything else. By the way, my computer won't even let me look at other people's comments, much less comment myself. That explains my lack of commenting... What's your excuse?

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Print Shop Coordinator (bleh)
2. Lifeguard/Blob Director
3. Student writer/intern for Marketing Communications Department at UC
4. Switchboard Operator


Four Movies you would watch over and over:
1. The Music Man
2. Fiddler on the Roof
3. Benny and Joon
4. Beaches

Four Places you have lived:
1. Cortez, CO
2. Lexington, KY
3. Madison, TN
4. Hamburg, PA

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Chipotle Vegetarian Fajita Burrito... it's been so long
2. Green Spaghetti
3. Homemade pizza made by me
4. Ice cream

Places you’d rather be right now:
1. In bed. Maybe not my own bed because we're keeping our thermostat at 52.
2. Florida
3. My mom's house
4. Somewhere where the high today is more than 17 degrees, as it is here. Somewhere like Jamaica. Warm and exotic.

People I hope will respond by posting on their blogs:
1. Everyone I
2. know, I think
3. has already posted this, but in case they haven't
4. Justin

More bad gnus

Snow is in the forecast for the next three days. And it already snowed a little today. This also means it's cloudy. Again. And will continue to be so.

My work computer is too old and skanky to let me upload the pictures from my fancy shmancy camera. I don't own my own computer. Hence there will be no pictures of my life any time soon. Maybe after we get a tax refund we'll buy a computer.

We have school on Sunday. I think they should make the students go to school and monitor themselves. I don't want to teach. It should be illegal. At least classes start at 9:30. Otherwise, I would revolt.

Update. Whatever.

It's cloudy today, but less cloudy than some days. Which means I can see the top of the mountains and there is some light, so it does not seem like perpetual twilight. That's a relatively good thing. I swear it's like Seattle here. Maybe not as rainy, but cloudy all the time. Plus Nebraska-esque wind. The moral of this story is that I'm ready for spring.

I made chili the other night. It was pretty good. Not spicy enough for me. But since I was kind of improvising and I couldn't find any cayenne pepper in my cupboard, (I swear I used to have some) it sufficed. It snowed that day and it's always good to have nice hot soup on snowy, windy, cold days. We also had hummus and flat bread with the meal. Really, it was a perfect meal.

We keep our thermostat set at 62 degrees, and our heating bill was still $259. This is pretty frustrating. The bill was actually for December, when we were gone for two weeks and turned the thermostat down to 56 degrees. What's the deal? I hate winter. This is the only time when I feel semi-OK about global warming.

We finally got our Pennsylvania driver's licenses yesterday. My picture was pretty cute. Now we have to get our car registration done by the end of the month. Which is going to be difficult since we have Sunday school. Ugh.

Homeleave starts a week from today. We're going to see the Daily Show. I'm excited.

I feel uninspired and unmotivated. Blah.

The End.

Just breathe.

Lately I've been feeling small. And I want to feel big. Important. Like I'm doing something that makes a difference. The other night I cried about it for awhile. I think God puts this ache in my heart for a reason, but so far I have no answers as to why it's there. Or how to change it. Or what I should be doing about it. And it leaves me feeling very frustrated and small. I never feel like I'm doing enough. Maybe this is some sort of complex I have. Something left over from my dysfunction.

I tried to talk to God about it when I was feeling this way the other night. And I tried to remind myself that I should be looking for my identity and affirmation only from Him. But it's hard. Hard to remember. Hard to believe.

So I start dreaming about the things I could be doing. Helping AIDS victims in Africa is a popular one for me. Or working for a home for abused women and children. Or saving victims of sexual trafficking. If I had a direction and a place to start that would be good.

Or is this Satan's distraction from the good I could be doing where I am?

Accomplishment

Yesterday I got up and walked/jogged two and a half miles. Even though it was chilly and sprinkling, it seemed like a really good idea at the time. I've gained an uncomfortable amount of weight in recent months and when I look at pictures I'm not happy with what I see. This was not a New Year's resolution. I don't believe in them. Anyway, I felt really good afterward. And all day. It was the best day. Over all, endorphins rock. I was energized enough to take down all the Christmas stuff and put it away and drag the crispy Christmas tree outside and vacuum the living room and do two loads of laundry and put new sheets on the bed and dust the house. Most of those things I'd been meaning to do since I got back home a week and a half ago. But most days I just thought about it and gave up before starting. I just felt happy all day yesterday. And I know it was the endorphins.

Today I hurt. My legs want to fall off. This just goes to show that I'm really out of shape. I know it's not the walking, because last week I walked the same distance and had no pain afterward. It's the approximately half mile of jogging that did me in. Sad, I know. Right now, I'm just trying to remember yesterday's endorphins. They're fleeting. They should last at least a couple of days. At least until the pain subsides. Then I'd probably be more motivated to exercise again. Whereas, right now, I just want to go back to bed.

In other news, Michael is going to Southern for a few days to help with camp interviews. So I'll be all alone from Tuesday night till Thursday night. And I really don't feel like driving to and from Philadelphia twice in two days, but if I don't, I won't have a car. And that's annoying when I have to teach at eight on Thursday morning and the high for the day is 30 degrees.

Also, I don't know what I'm doing for class tomorrow. I'm fresh out of ideas. Maybe I'll show a movie. We're going to start public speaking soon. But that means I need to go though my box of notebooks and folders from college, and I really need some endophins to do that.

Ugh

Bad things are happening.

Worthington or Loma Linda or Kellogg's or whoever is in charge of these things has discontinued Tuno. Which will make it difficult for me to make my favorite casserole, Tuno Pinwheels. I'm very upset. And thinking about writing protest letters, and having my English students write protest letters. I have 49 students this semester. That might make an impact.

And it's snowing. The first snow of the season. It makes me want to vomit. Lots of students are excited. I'm disgusted. I had some hope that this would not happen this year. You know, God's little gift to me. Sadly, no. (Yes, I realize that my stance on snow contradicts my feelings about the need to preserve the environment. If our government and the car/gas industry decide to stop being greedy and do something to protect our grandchildren, I will resign myself to moving to Florida. I don't think it will be necessary.)

A new year

I know, it's been a really long time since I posted. My parents don't have internet, and I've been avoiding work like the plague. Until today. They made me come back today.

You'd think with another birthday (how did I get so old?) maybe I'd get more responsible. Sadly, not so.

Anyway, I had a good break. It was good to be with family, as always. I watched too much tv. I pretty much fried my brain on it. Which made me grateful that we don't have cable here. I can't watch tv all day. I have to rent or buy anything I want to watch.

We went to a bookstore yesterday and got 16 books for $18. It was fabulous. They're going out of business. And it made a great birthday gift to me. About half of them were hardbacks. I figure, if we paid full price it would have cost more than $150. So I'm stocked up for a couple of months.

Also, we got a digital camera for Christmas, so the possibilities of seeing pictures of us on my blog have increased greatly. Still, I need to be smarter than it to work it, and right now that seems doubtful.

It was good to come home. And this time I mean Pennsylvania. It's something about having our own space or something. I'm not sure, but it's good to be back, even though I miss my family.

Still, I'm not ready to teach again. I really don't even want to think about it yet. It's only a day away.